soon

I’ve been fitghing against suicide since I was 11 years old, 5 failed attempts with a difficult internal war against hurting my family in my mind. Each time, under the water or out in the freezing snowy fields, I eventually find myself in a state of bliss, which eventually goes off, the numbness and stangnacy that I see as my only possible future just dances its way back into my life and I start all over again.

And once again I’m here on this edge looking for a way to do this without harming those I love. It’s not a matter of weather or not I’ll feel pain, Although preferably I’ll go out in the cold water and just never wake up.

I’ve got a story, but I assume everyone does, we all have our reason for doing anything we do, and easily justify anything to our own minds. But I just can’t do this anymore, I’m tired of fighting for a life I do not want, to not hurt people who I wont have in my life anyway.

If I make it through this time maybe it’ll be different, but I doubt it, it never has been.

I just cannot continue to subject myself to a repetitive meaningless existence for an uncertain amount of time.

I’m done with this life, there is nothing left for me here now or ever.

I’ve my own reasons for doing this, and I am so tired of this life,