I’ve had depression since I was around 10 years old. My father used to bash me for every little thing, whilst my mother would just sit, watch and laugh. It’s been some years now, my parents did however get better, BUT that’s only after I finally grew the courage to tell the police, anyways just two days ago, I celebrated my 19th birthday, I thought about killing myself at the end of the night, but couldn’t mostly because 3 of my friends were with me till morning. Anyways, I try to move on, every day, but the memories always haunt me, and it’s not only the memories of my father bashing me, but of everything. My life is even more fuc#ed up now. My father has left my mother, and now married 2 other women. Polygamy is acccepted in my culture. I hate it, being the Christians that my parents were, I don’t know how the fuc# this shit came by..my now exboyfriend, we also broke up during the time my father was being an asshole…he was my first love…and everytime I see him, or his siblings (who always come and say hi to me), I feel like dying. My mother constantly complains about him, and I don’t wanna sound heartless, when I tell her to move on and get over it, but it’s just sooo annoying! I have so many things going on right now, and she just adds pressure when she throws all her marriage issues at me….(right now they are going through the longest divorce battle everrrrrrrrrrrr.) Honestly speaking, I maybe related to my parents, and my sister by blood, but I don’t feel a connection with any of them. My bestfriend is the only person in this entire world who knows me for me. When others see me, they think I’m a fun, crazy, funny person, always has a huge smile on her face, and cracking jokes, but in reality, I’m a deep, dark type of person, who has thoughts of ending my miserable life…..I hate my life, I hate my sister, I hate my mum, I hate my dad, and I don’t know how I can say this…but I even hate my 2 year old nephew…(that reason has mostly to do with me hating my sister) I try, I try to see the good in life but it’s soooo hard, I haven’t said a word for the past two days, talking, even eating feels like too much of an effort…I just wanna take a few pills, and end this misery…..
It’s just so fucking hard.
3 comments
Taking pills, for one thing isn’t painless death…neither is many of the other things. Your family pain will last for years if you do such a thing. I…am 21 and have been depressed for as long as I can remember… I had a step father who hated me because I assume..it’s because I was the daughter of another man that my father married. My mom was never really around. She’d come home late..and she hired a babysitter named Teresa. She was my brother’s babysitter. She tortured me a lot. She smacked me around with metal rulers, metal coat hangers. Anything she could get her hands on. She’d make me hold things that were pretty heavy..for a long amount of time till my arms started feeling numb from the pain. My mom knew that all of this was going on. This was when I was 4. I’m now adopted..and yet still depressed but my friendships and family make it a little bit better. It is hard to see the good in life, but it is all you know for now…no one really knows what’s on the other side..why waste the only life you know?
That’s actually a fair point. But I guess it’s the mystery of death that is it’s equal allure than just killing pain. I often think it’s hard to see the good in life, or the good in people. This becomes magnified when I watch the news. But all in all, exploring what I don’t already know is the main desire for death, for me anyway. And ending feeling, or pain, that’s just an extra plus.
Danni,
i’m always willing to talk and listen
recycling1000@yahoo.com