How can everything hurt so much while at the same time I feel so numb?
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be gone soon (not soon enough, but whatever).
I’ve come to terms that I’m a failure, that I have no purpose, no future, no anything.
I’ve accepted all that.
I’m a disappointment to everyone, not even my parents believe in me anymore. Thanks for that.
My dad asked me today : “When you think of your future, what colour do you see?” I wanted to scream “BLACK, FUCKING BLACK, THE MOST DARK BLACK YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE!” But I didn’t. I got away from the question, asked something else. Everything is so fucking dark around me, even in me.
Tomorrow I’m getting fucking wasted. I’ll drink my sorrows away and hope for best. Let’s hope the night takes my pain away.
13 comments
I wish I could give you a big hug.
you’re not a failure if you was you wouldnt have made it this far. and even though I don’t know you personally I get where you’re coming from and I’m not disappointed in you
But I am, I am disappointed in myself.
Well dont be lifes all about believe w yourself. When you feel disappointed in yourself true harder to prove yourself wrong
I can’t find the strenght to do so.. I feel no motivation whatsoever. I just want to lie in bed and never have to get up.
And bear417 – Thanks for the hug 🙂
I learned to be a hugger from a suicide support group. There is nothing like knowing someone else understands your pain.
True. Did it help? Going to that type of group?
Yes. I can’t express how much support groups and individual counseling have improved my quality of life. It can be painful, so most sessions my mom or friend or even boss would force me to attend. But I can’t thank them enough for that now.
I wish I was brave enough to tell someone I know what I am going through. But I know most wouldnt understand – and my family would see it as my excuse to why I’m not doing well in uni.
Telling someone is the hardest part. It can be embarrassing, they might not understand, it can bite ya in the butt later on, but it’s worth it! You can’t survive like this indefinitely. It’s too hard. You don’t deserve that. Telling someone gives u a second chance at life. Sometimes it’s easiest to tell a stranger, like at a suicide hotline or a community support center.
I don’t know your story but maybe that IS why you’re having trouble in uni. It’s that nothing to be ashamed about. You’re probably suffering from a real disorder. If u get help u will probably start doing better and your parents can’t complain about that right?
I know it’s the main reason why I’m not doing well. That’s not how I meant it. Let me try and rephrase it – They would say I’d be exagerating and like, almost creating an excuse, to why I’m not doing well. They wouldnt really believe it.
Like I said in a previous post today:
“Also, something really hurtful – Dad saying “now don’t go and start making excuses saying something you kiddos get now, uh, how is it called?… uh.. oh right, depressionâ€. LOL thanks daddy, seriously. I love you with all my heart, but jezz that fucking hurts.”
Hazel, I don’t think that your father understands how depression works. Maybe you should show him some websites on depression and how it makes a person feel on the inside. Show him that it is a clinical medical condition and not a made up excuse. My dad is like that too. He doesn’t believe that depression is real either. Try not to drink too much tomorrow. You will regret it in the morning.