I still have nothing.
I have everything that I could ever want, but it means absolutely nothing. No matter how good things get, I still feel empty. I don’t think anyone could ever fill me up all the way; I don’t think it’s possible. I still try to fix myself. We bought an expensive ring, put it on my finger, and I was happy for a month. I tell myself that I’m happy over and over and over again, but it doesn’t change a thing. What if I changed everything? I could call off the wedding, start over again, and… and what? I don’t think I’d be any better off than I am now. Nothing about me is ever going to change. I have the perfect man, but I will never be completely happy. So, why get rid of him? I won’t be happier without him. I’m just tired of pretending. I’m tired of waiting to feel better. My depression slowly fades in and out and I never heal. My throat is sore because I’m always about to burst into tears. I don’t know why. Should I start taking pills to fix it? Is that a good idea? I’d always rather die or stop existing. It’s so easy. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, then I don’t have to be sad. I won’t have to worry or be afraid. I won’t have to miss you or feel guilty or do anything. I don’t have the fucking guts to kill myself. I can’t fix anything.