im a 24 year old college student and I think about killing myself a lot and I don’t want to think about that but i cant help it. I can honestly say with each day that goes by my will to live is less, and I think about killing myself more. I think about it a lot, especially right after I wake up and right before I fall asleep, but now recently these thoughts are becoming increasingly more abundant during the day as well. im constantly depressed life seems to be meaningless, hopeless, and even worst I feel so damn empty. I have zero motivation or drive to do anything including live. I can remember when I felt full of life and potential and the world was at my boot heels when I was younger but I cant even think of the last time I felt like that. I stay up all night in bed because I cant sleep until I reach complete fatigue and pass out, then often sleep through much of the day and lay around. I can tell certain members of my family are worried about me and attempt to check up on me occasionally. I try to wake up and put on a half hearted smile to muddle through my days of class and work but still feel the same. my use of weed and alcohol has increased significantly in response as a cooping mechanism I guess, even though I know these types of behaviors tend to worsen depression. I have pushed all or most of my good friends away and have become more and more isolated then ever. I have lost interest in activities and hobbies I use to enjoy. im really worried about myself,  ive always dealt with some depression but due to recent events in the last two years and my overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, uselessness, loneliness and emptiness I think about suicide A LOT. im worried about myself if these feelings and thoughts continue to present and increase as they have, I don’t know how much more I can tolerant. I don’t know why im posting here I guess its because I cant reach out and dunno what to do, any replies, suggestions or comments would be greatly apprehend.
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I just want to comment I’ve been feeling the exact same way.. I recently realized how much I have to struggle everyday to feel positive and happy about myself and life. I always have anxiety and worry about things that aren’t happening. And it just feels harder and harder to shake it off. I know i dont act the same when im around friends but i guess im so good at hiding it no one notices, or bothers to ask me anything. I hate the thought of suicide since I had a family friend do that to herself and I know what it does to the people that love her, including me. But it makes more sense sometimes to not deal with all of this bullshit anymore. It passes my mind every now and then but there’s times its all i think about, like now. I’m tired of struggling to be happy. It’s so easy for me to be depressed. It feels like a job more then anything. I’m horrible when it comes to reaching out to someone. But I know that’s the best thing to do when you’re feeling that way. I’ll never have the courage to do it in real life, so this is the best alternative for me. I think it’s good you’ve decided to post up your feelings here. Reading about how other people feel helps me feel grounded. If it means anything, you’re not the only one. And i hope you’ll find the courage to speak up to your loved ones and talk about how you’ve been feeling. I know I’m too scared to do so that makes me a hypocrite right now. But just know you’re not the only one. I bet there’s a friend or family that is going through the same situation that you are. Try to reach out to whoever you see is hurting inside too and I know you’ll get a lot out of it. We as human beings need to stick together and be there for one another more. Love is what keeps us truly alive. At the end of the day, if you have people that love you, that’s really all you need.