As of today i accept death.

I don’t know how to start this but i guess today has been a shitty day for me and it got me thinking of how shitty my life has become-_-

Let me start this by telling about how over the last few years i have been in love with this girl and 4 months ago we finally realized we were meant for each other and are happy together. Also to mention we are long distance. sounds great? Well it almost seems like when we started dating that my life turned to shit. None of this is because of her, she has been amazing and she is the best girlfriend i could ever ask for. But she has been going through hell and everyone has started turning on me slowly and everything has been falling apart.

A few months ago i began cutting because of all this pain and misery that i have been feeling. I mean why shouldn’t I? in a quick summary the love of my life  has been contemplating suicide and has already tried 3 times and is also a cutter, she was tormented at school for forever, at my school I’m an emo ****** who everyone hates, and who’s few friends are starting to leave him, the guys who i once called my brothers  are slowly starting to hate me, the one person i have looked up to for years has been harassing my girlfriend constantly trying to help her with “the word of god” and has been lying to her about me, after my parents found out about my cutting they treat me like some freak next to their perfect daughters, to my parents I’m just their disappointment son who fight with them and causes all the household problems, they have already started telling me about how ill never have a future because of my grades and how i act at school.

Today they made me go to church and i felt accepted and like it was going to be alright. then the music went on and i heard all these people around me talking about me saying things like ” he looks like creepy” and saying like “yeah, what a freak”… it seems like anywhere i go and try to fit in or make friends everyone around me judges me about how i have long hair and think I’m some fucking perv because I’m quiet and sit with my hair in my face because I’m sick of people staring at my scars… i feel so alone and hated i cant take it anymore.

If I shot myself in the face tonight i dont think many people would miss me. In fact im sure that people’s lives would be so much better without me. It seems like the only reason I’m still alive is because i know my Emily loves me no matter what. and i don’t want to hurt my little sister. i love them both and i could never hurt them. But my life has become such hell i just want to end it all. I’m so sick of  life and i don’t know how much longer i can take it anymore.