I am a 35 year old female. I’ve had the condition of depression and an anxiety disorder since my teens. I am on medication which keeps everything other control. And I feel I have lived long enough.
I am not married and have no children. Infact my world is quite small. Occassionally I see my sister and brother and the one or two friends I have.
I am unemployed at the moment. For the last 2 months actually. It wasn’t the economic recession that got it’s fangs into me in the form of cutbacks. I wasn’t fired. I didn’t have a better job lined up. IÂ just left voluntarily.
I had no idea if I would find another job. I had no idea how I was going to pay the mortgage and the bills. But what I did know was that I could no longer get up at 6.00 am to do the long commute by overcrowded train to sit in an office and do the same tedious, monotonous work I’d been doing for the past 10 years. I couldn’t make small talk and pretend to laugh at my managers jokes. I couldn’t -I wouldn’t-play along with the office politics. It was all pointless and stupid to me.
Change career? I have no idea what that would be.
In the past I’ve given a lot of my time to others, despite how low i might be feeling myself. But that time seems to be over. It’s always extra harsh when you have love to give but no one wants your it. I stay in bed most days, waiting for the day they take away my house. I’m of no use to anyone in this state. I feel dead but am not dead. I am the living dead.
I do not attribute such a state to clinical depression. I am not in despair. I am numb.
My problem is existential. I simply cannot tolerate the condition of existance. It’s so utterly absurd. The band The Verve describe the human condition very well with the lyrics – “It’s a bitter sweet symphony this life, trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money than you die”
The most frustrating part of this life is that those who want to live, die. And those of us like me are left to linger. Why not take ‘the easy way out’?
I understand how suicide is viewed by many as ‘the easy way out’. Prehaps it is for some. Is it the easy way out for someone who realizes they are, and always will be, a burden to themselves and to others? In my experience, the ‘easy way out’ argument is used by people who have never suffered real mental torment and hardship day in day out for years, who do not know what it’s like to have a fragile mind and fragile ego. Also,we are not all born equal. Some people who have suffered are simply made of stronger stuff and can endure almost anything. Some people have a better support network around them. Some people have the resources to get the help they need. Some people are simply better at adapting.
I have no sense of self anymore. I feel like a non-person.
Prehaps IÂ am done with this life afterall.
19 comments
i can feel your pain. The work thing is true. But don’t tell it to your friends or family they will think you are an alien or better yet not a sheep.
For me, working is like living dead…you work,you come home,repeat and at 70 you retire..70!!? They call this life,are you kidding me? Plus throw in all the shit you went through and the hand you were dealt in life (mental ilness,abusive family,etc etc)= It is better not to be. I don’t want to bring kids on this planet, my antinatalisme attitude drives alot of women away (duh lol).
Take care,i hope you find happiness/peace in life or death
Hi,
I can relate to what you said quite well.
Part of it is, as far as I can understand – you (and other people) being sensitive and intelligent enough to view “through the game”. (Well it is not game, it is very real indeed).
You called your condition existential – well that view always accent that we have the choices (options). You have much more than two choices – to live or to die.
The other part is for may sound very banal but I ve found it very important – depression and anxiety as disorders are extremes of important reactions of our organism – yet when they are too extreme – it changes your thinking considerably. Like “I ve given up”, “it is useless, I m useless”, “nothing is meaningfull”, “everything is empty”, “it is better to give up” etc. Even if you know about the condition – it happens anyway. This part can be treated – you probably know, by antidepressant etc.
And do not worry, other people have very similar problems as you – even that joking manager – who knows? – but they are trying to supress it etc.
If you feel enough energy or be it enough desperation – try to be open to your life process and what world “wants” from you – try to expose yourself to new options – even the ones that look weird, vulgar (common), I think it will ask you soon.
Hope & Love, Hugo
You need to talk to a therapist. They really do help. They help you cope and their is always someone worse off then you. Animals are a great copeing stategy too because they never judge you and can sense how you feel. And at least you can have children at a later time if you wish. Some people are not so lucky. Try a dating service and get a job you enjoy. There is someone out there for everyone and most people hate their jobs too. Stay strong. Others know how you feel and wish you the best of luck. I’m sure someone out there would love to be your husband too.
I know how you feel. Please keep living, you sound like a good person. Even if you only have 1 or 2 friends, thats more than I have. I haven’t had a friend in about 10 years, since high school. When I graduated I moved away and got a job, the people I worked with were so rude I could not believe it. No one would talk or even look at me. I would say hi or good morning and they would either walk away or actually say something nasty to me, it was horrible. I don’t really understand people and why they act that way. I finally left like you did because it just sucked so much, now I am going back to school so I can get a good job. These days I am like you, I just stay in bed for as long as possible. I think about ending it all sometimes, but I figure we all die someday anyway so whats the hurry? I have some goals that keep me going, after I graduate and get a good job and finally have some money, I would like to buy a fun little convertable, and move out my tiny apartment into a house with a yard. Try to set some goals for yourself, go back to school if you can, I am going to community college and it is not bad really! Take Care! 🙂
Suicide is a choice. I am like you, unable to get past the muck. And it is all muck. The only reason I don’t is because of my mom. The torment she would suffer. But, then, it is difficult to think of others when you have been thinking of others your whole life. So instead of suicide, you continue to live, which is a form of cowardice. I wish I had the will. I wish I could reconnect with this life before everything got so miserable. Relationships. The failures. The rejections. I am done with it all. To scream it from a rooftop “I hate my world!” but I know it is pointless. This world has a tendency to ensure that I am alone and depressed. So, the clock ticks, and I still wonder when. When will I be strong enough.
So, yeah, I am just like you. I have had both, anxiety disorder and some form of depression since my teens, and I am about your age. My quality of life is already dipping, and no matter how hard I try, I do not see any silver-lining. Pretty soon I will be older and even more worthless. God help me.
My 3rd, yes 3rd child just died by suicide on May 31, 2009….I buried him yesterday. He was 22 years old. My daughter, at the age of 17 years old, died by suicide on Novemeber 11, 2005 she was my baby……my oldest son, after grieving over his little sister, died by suicide on May 28, 2006, he was 30. The boys lived with the thought that they could have prevented their little sister’s suicide. Both died, realizing they did not. Don’t hurt your familes in this terrible tragedy. The dominoe effect it has on a family, your friends, a community, etc. is overwhelming. My daughter, who is still living and now 27 years old, said at her little brothers funeral just yesterday, “We are a family living with many tragedies and the “goodbye’s” are not getting easier, they are merely getting quieter.” I think I will go join my children now………no, not the ones lying 6 ft. under that cold and dark ground, but rather the kids I have living. Which is only 2 now……5 beautiful babies, only 2 left living…….my grandfather also chose to die by suicide before any of the kids were even born….ironic, huh?
when i started reading what you wrote, it sounded like my life. i am 33 years old, i have no friends, i also have so much love to give, but no one wants it from me. I have been married for 12 years and have been with my husband for 15 years. I have 2 daughters who are almost 12 and 13. My husband is divorcing me. I was at the same job for 10 years and was laid off on my birthday. That was almost 3 months ago. I also have an anxiety disorder. I can’t get out of bed and I think about suicide all day. I don’t want to live anymore and I want to take my kids with me. They are the only ones that would suffer if I was gone. I am going to end this pain soon.
dear janie, i think it is importanant to know we are all here together. You are not alone. I don’t have the exact problems you have, but I think I feel as deeply as you. i can barely read your letter through tears, I am tired of tempering the pain I would cause, by the pain I feel. Where do my needs fit? But there has to be more, if anything, there has to be you and me. Please, be there for me, and I promise to be there for you. I have so many things to be grateful for, but I would trade them all, to have someone to understand what you are able to feel. We are good people, with bigger hearts than thick skin, a sweet rarity in our world,
Jennifer, you don’t know how many people “have been there” for me. No one is ever there. I wish you could understand what I am going through. I can’t take this life anymore. Nobody would even know I was gone. I think I need help. Maybe it’s too late.
Janie,
the pain s command is: “Something is wrong and get rid of it. Now!”
Chronic pain is even worse. But sometimes pain itself is wrong, it indicates problem, when problem is missing or not so severe and the pain become problem itself.
Anxiety disorder causes pain and misery but it can be cured and pain goes away. It would be pitty to suicide because of that. And to take your children with you. Because of your pain – temporary condition. Your children have life on their own, I think they like to live.
It is vitaly important to be in contact with professional – psychiatris preferably, that can realy help you with this. If your medical condition gets better – you will be amazed how that can change your view of your situation – to better.
I repeat, anxiety and pain are causing you to feel now: “I cant stand it anymore” – but that can be treated, that is for sure.
Wish you strenght and patience through your turbulent times, Hugo
I have had psychiatric help and I am on medication for my anxiety. Nothing works! I just want all the pain to end. I can’t end my life and ruin my kids’ lives. I want them with me. They would never understand why mommy killed herself. I don’t want them going through life with that hanging over them.
Janie, please do not panic! You said you want your children with you… Where? The death is DEFINITE! They will not be with you somewhere else. You gave them life – let them live! Do not underestimate your children. They will make their own decisions – it is their life they live – not yours!
There is not even need for you to die! There are different anxiety medication if one does not work. Just tell clearly your doctor how you feel.
Hugo
I just want the pain to stop. I don’t know where to turn anymore. I feel useless and worthless. When will it stop?
If I could take your pain away I would… I’m sorry you are hurting.
the pain will soon end. i am finally at peace
Hi Janie, what you wrote troubles me. What is your plan? I repeat, depression and anxiety and pain can be treated without taking your life and life of your kids. Really do contact your doctor about your suffering!
Hugo
To Lyra:
Hi Lyra,
I was horrified (for lack of better word), by what you wrote. It is so painful!
I read that sometimes suicide runs in families – due to not enough know causes – probably due to interaction of some heredity and actual life experience. For me it is hard to understand why to follow somebody who died – I prefer depression and yet unknown causes that force people to end their own life.
I do not know what youve tried to treat such heavy proceseses – I would advice to see professional help, and if it did not work in the past, find another one. Preferably skilled psychiatrist-therapist – because both “biological” and “psychological” causes should be treated.
I m sure that can be stoped and slowly and eventualy family members get process such chronic trauma.
May be my words sound cold to you – but your every word has “freezed” me so deep for reasons I do not want to share here.
I finish this by sending you my best wishes.
Hugo
I want to support Janie and the person who originally wrote this beautiful and painful post… What I mean to say is, I don’t want anyone to die. I don’t want her to die. However, please… do NOT repeat all the bullshit she has already heard. Ask her questions. LISTEN. No one has listened to her, and none of you are right now.
To say that there is “no reason for her to die” is insulting. Mental anguish is REAL… and to say off-handedly that “it can be cured” is just plain false. For many people, it cannot be cured. It can be made better, maybe… but do not infantilize her by offering lousy pieces of advice that she has thought of herself.
To call her pain a “temporary condition” is, I think, to envoke the old suicide awareness poster that says “Suicide: A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem.” I hate these kind of cliches, because they mock us. Somehow, she is supposed to be inspired by some trite, oft-repeated ad campaign. Well, it’s not going to cut it.
The mental health problems we are dealing with have been going on so long that it seems laughable to us that they will improve. I am not arguing for losing hope–I think all of us should struggle and try and seriously keep going. But I am tired of these cliches…Sometimes, things DON’T get better. Some people die. YOU KNOW THIS. Some blatantly untrue cliche that is actually insulting to people who actually DO consider suicide is not going to help.
What would really help is for all of us to somehow work together. I am not at the point where I would consider suicide, but it has been 9 LONG YEARS of depression, anxiety disorders, addiction and eating disorders and I feel USED UP. I wish, wish wish we could just sit for a moment and love each other. To just say–Good Goddess, I cannot stand how much you are suffering. To say to each other, I am sorry you have to suffer… something like that. Maybe for a moment not to assume that we know how it feels (cause we’ve all heard that one to exhaustion)–but maybe for a moment not to have JUDGMENT and to offer simple solutions to obviously complex problems.
I don’t know if any of that made sense, but i hope you will feel free to reply
brian, thank u for understanding. the pain is so bad right now. no one loves me or even likes me. what am i supposed to do? i tried to end my life again, but obviously it didn’t work. nothing i do works. i want to go to sleep and never wake up.