It’s now only a matter of time, I’ve been contemplating the end for many years and at my 27th will be the time to go, it’s never been clearer. Working out sufficient ways is a daily schedule, every bridge I cross is considered, every pill I swallow is worked out to which quantity will be lethal, what side effects may be incurred along the way. I am at least content in the knowledge that I want to sleep my way out.
I don’t need to write the way I feel, thousands of times makes no difference, and I don’t need to go over them any longer. I simply do not belong in this world, I wish that I was born a thousand years ago, I never let anyone close, I don’t know what close even is, and people only see the side I show them, the me they want at the time. I don’t know which one is the ‘real me’ someone said the real me is the 12 different me’s mixed into one, which resonated, and was epiphany worthy at the time, but to no long term avail.
Men are jealous of me, women just want to fuck me or get their intensity attention they’re lacking in their lives. I tried mariage and I was no good at that, I’ll be leaving behind 6 people that I care about, 2 in particular are going to be hard to say ‘goodbye’ too but I plan on leaving them something, and giving them some fond memories to remember me when they grow. I’ll be asking in my final words that they be told I’d had an accident to prevent them from feeling as though they weren’t worth me staying.
It’s time to begin getting my things in order, thankyou for allowing me to leave a little message in the world, and more importantly thankyou for not judging.
Peace x
6 comments
Peace, man, peace of the mind, although I don’t know how much we can get these days.
Which drugs do you plan to take?
It may seem insensitive, but I’m curious.
Heroin and Lunesta
Sweetheart,please dont take this as judgement-more than anything I just want to share some insight.I understand and admire your desire to protect those certain special people from the details of your passing.13 years+9 days ago I shot myself, with the intent of my one special person(my 2yr old daughter)never knowing how I truly passed.Well, obviously I lived, even though I shouldnt have and beat all odds.My little girl was sheltered from it as much as possible, but eventually she found out.At an age that was far too young to understand.As much as Ive been able to help myself and get better, my dear little girl(almost 16,now)deals with the feeling if being abandoned by me-I tried to leave her behind forever and I cant take it back.All I can do is try to be the parent she needs, but that knowledge she has is an obstacle to her security and self esteem, everyday.Idk if this makes you think any differently, but I had to try.I thought I had a foolproof plan-it should have been,but nothing ever is….
I’m sorry to hear your terribly sad, but beautiful story, love her forever
Peace and in the absence of better words – good luck.