my life

Hi, this post is just about me and why i decided to join. its not some inspirational story to make you change your mind. just me and my experiences. I joined cause I needed someone to listen who understood or could relate.

It all starts with my brother, we were insepreable as childeren and got along fabulously, but as soon and me moved across the country and we had to make new friends we stopped talking. he bacame an athlete I became the geek, (cliche i know) he had all the friends I spent elemetary with none. After a while I became very angry at everything and i would lash out. Soon after that started my parents put me in a counciling program where i spend 4 hours everyday after school with my personal counciler, but I cant misbehave infront of stangers, so this is where i mastered how to hide my feelings, but there were days i would loose it. i spent most of my time playing with army men in my room or sleeping, in fact i spent my sisters birthday in my bed. Since i had no friends i didnt have parties or even birthday parties. i just didnt care. the only thing i looked forward to was waking up to “Seven Nation Army” by the White Stripes every school morning. I was a selfproclaimed loner and i was alone. i started to get bad grades and it coused me to repaent 4th grade. i was the geek who couldnt pass class… the next year my family moved back to where we lived before, and my brother, who now was the king of his middle school, was wrestling captian, and football linebaker plus had girlfriend, became very angry. he lost everything in the move while i only gain new sceanery.

at this time in my life i was 5′ 11” and 180lbs in the 5th grade, i was huge. all through 5th and 6th grade iwas alone and all the girls i had crushes on were disgusted by me…but there was one girl named sydney who made a difference. she saw me hoodie up blasting rock music in my headphones, head against the window of the bus and she made the choice to sit and talk to me. when she did i threated her, and it was the first time i reconized that i had lashed out, when tears came to her eyes and was about to leave i apoligized and introduced myself. we were friends then best friends then we dated and then we had sex, we loved each other. the only problem is that we were in the 7th garde. after having sex with her, i became an addict, i watched porn i had sex with her everyday afterschool. i destroyed myself and her. in the 8th grade i joined the jv basketball team for the highschool. i guess i found the one thing i was good at. i lost alot of weight and i also grew taller. i became the popular kid in only 3 mothes. but it was short lived. sydney and i broke up and i just gave up again. i noticed my brother was no longer angry but was the most sought after guy in the school. i wanted that feeling of being wanted again. so i followed his foot steps. he played a sport and so did i. he joined a musical and so did i. then he got into drugs… and one day he brought me along. first it was cigaretts that i was hooked on, then we got in to weed. once i had weed i realized i didnt need all those other people to make myself feel good, so i became a druggy in the 8th grade. when freshman year came around i had lost everything but my drugs. another girl came around tho, named sara  but at first she only wanted me cause i looked and acted just like my brother, but what my brother and sara didnt know is that i had already had sex and alomost everything else too. now there were only 20o kids in the school so i was surprized no one had spread around that i had had sex. she convinced me to stop being like my brother and be myself. so i joined the jv basketball team again only as captain that year, and we lost every game, this was a huge blow to my confidence. i stopped participating again and  i started to gain weight again. me and sara crushed and hooked up a few times. my brother went to colledge and i was suposed to be his replacement for the highschool. i said no. i did what i wanted and took no crap. and that cause soooo much drama. i hate drama, people where telling me how to live my life and all the people that my brother had ratted out for durgs when he quit using took out all their hate on me. i became the school punching bag. but sara (who is 2 years older) stood with me and that was all i needed because she was known around the school.

we moved across the country again only to the arizona this time. i lived with my cousins for a few months before my family got our own place. i had no friends again. all of sophmore year i was lone. during lunch i went to the library to read, the librarians i knew on a first name basis. i continued to fail classes. by junior year i made a few friends and got into photgraphy. i met a girl named kendal, she is very relious and i was still a hard smoker. i asked her to homecoming and she said only if i stopped smoking for 2 weeks before the dance, and i did. a few weeks after the dance we started seeing alot of each other. soon we were dating. i had to take a week off of school to see my brother graduate from basic training for the Air Force, he had finally found his calling after failing colledge and living with us again. i was proud, and i called kendall that night and told her thats what i wanted to do, and since she is so religious she told me she doesnt want to marry a guy like me so us dating was pointless. she ended it. i liked her alot but i had grown aloth since my last girlfriend, so i said i understood and respected her decision and we became best friends. senior year rolled around and i hated school, i just want to drop out and get a job. i failed most of my clasess first semester and over winter break i made the decision to try and finish high school. i didnt. its now close to the end of the school year and i have to repeat senior year. all the new friends ive made are leaving my best friend is moving to a new state, i will have no one again.

throughout this entire time all i wanted was for people to notice me, i had made it my purpose in high school to make sure no other kid had felt the way i do, so i did whatever it took to make everyone i saw happy, or even smile. i did a great job but it was very depressing, because i gave other people my happiness. i realized no one i made happy tried to make me happy when i was having those bad days. it didnt matter who i was or what i did, people around me just seem not to care about me anymore, they see me as a failure and are trying to distance themselves. i know the people in my life who truly love me and wish me good things, and i know most of my problems are my own fault, but if i had just one day where one person came up to me and thanked me for what i did for them i would be okay. but they wont, they havent for 4 years. i want people to notice and aknoledge my exsistance. honestly killing myself has never been my thing, i want to hurt myself, to feel pain. not this numb feeling like nothing in the world cares about me.

this has been my life and my feelings, i wrote this so i could put it out there. im not asking for a way out i asking for someone to listen.

for future happiness,

rutabagajackson