how much?

how much pain do people expect me to endure? they talk to me as if i should have an infinite threshold. i lost 3 people last month. my partner Brynn. he was also my dom/master. so for people who are part of that lifestyle. they know how hard it is to lose your partner from that kind of relationship. he left me in fucking pieces. he broke down all my walls, i let him in. i trusted him. and he abused it all, and left me a broken mess…and he didn’t even fucking care. then two friends that we shared….decided they liked/love him more and acted like i didn’t even fucking exist.  so they left with him.

how many abandonments is one person supposed to endure? any of the people i have now are only here because all who came before them abandoned me. and now i can;t trust anyone because why should i believe they will be the exception? i constantly feel alone. even when i’m surrounded by those who apparently “love” and “care” about me? they don’t understand me. they don’t get how broken my brain is. there is so much wrong with me mentally. all these fucking disorders and mental illnesses that affect my every waking second.

i just want it to stop. i want it to end. why is it wrong to want an end for yourself? i mean people can quit jobs when it gets too hard, or they don’t want it anymore. people can quit school because they feel like. hell you can even quit being a parent if its too hard or you don’t want to be one anymore.

so why can’t i quit life? it seriously is just too hard for me to bear. so why is it wrong for me or anyone who is suffering to want to quit? why is it okay for everyone else to be able to quit every other aspect of their life? but those of us for who living itself is too hard, is it wrong to just want to say “i’m done” and quit?

i have wanted to kill myself since i was seven, when i first attempted. and i knew then, that suicide was always going to be how it happened. and  i find myself standing closer to the edge as ever before. waiting for the final push…