My Story

I am speaking directly to people that suffer from severe depression and social anxiety.  To people that know that they have been diagnosed with severe depression or social anxiety; please know that there are people out there just like you.  Just like me.  For five years I have been suffering from severe depression.  I was diagnosed when I was 15 years old.  Everyday is a struggle for me whether it is visible to the people around me or not.  I don’t have anyone left to turn to.  All of the people that are in my close circle of friends and family just ignore my call.  They don’t understand how serious this is.  I have an addiction to self-harm and have since I was 15.  It started off with just once a month with a razor under my pillow in the early hours of the morning trying to be as quiet as possible.  Then it came to every single day where I couldn’t withstand the temptation.  I gave in every time.  Now I am 20 years old and still can’t withstand that temptation.  The people that I live with; my boyfriend and his best friend don’t know what I am going through.  I got let go from my last job because I couldn’t handle my emotions and I would have numerous breakdowns during my shifts.  So now I choose not to work.  I am too scared to face reality.  My boyfriend supports me by giving me a place to live, putting food on the table and giving me love.  Only one person in my life cares to do that for me.  I feel very grateful for it too.  His room-mate doesn’t understand why I reside in my bedroom all the time and he also doesn’t know why I am so quiet and keep to myself.  If only he knew.  He always wonders why I don’t work.  But you can’t just say to someone, I don’t work, because I have depression and anxiety.  I hate going out in public, I hate being around people and I hate doing things wrong.  That is a doorway for me to punish myself if I do something wrong.  I’m trying to take things one step at a time, and I’m starting off with being on support payments, doing my study, cooking meals and cleaning the apartment.  Is that honestly lazy?  Some people think yes, some people think maybe, some people think no.  I don’t mind what you think of what I do.  That is just an overview of what I want to do to slowly heal so I know I am ready to face reality and not be stepped all over and treated like shit.  I don’t want to still have depression when I get my next job.  I want to be healthy and ready to face reality.  Is that lazy?  People cope in their own ways.  Any comments are always fine,  just please, I ask you not to judge me or ridicule me, I am just here to tell my story.  And to find a friend.  Someone I can talk to.  Someone who they can talk to.  Two people who can help each other through the good and bad times.  My email is ablackrose77@gmail.com if you would like to talk.