i found this site by accedent. i am 34 single parent that has lost everything exept my child. found something to hold me up and now i am loosing that to and i havent been coping and dont think i can cope anymore. the crying, the pain just won’t stop. it is now wensday i haven’t slept since fryday. every one tells me to hang on God will make it all beter. when is he going to do it when i sit with a pistol placed and cocked behind my ear. plus everyone thinks they know what i am going throu, but its not them going throu it it’s me. i’m the one that lie in bed and can’t close my eyes because the blood heariling screams are in my head screaming at me.the only way for me to stop all of it is to end it and see if there is a god on the otherside. i’m so tierd of crying i cry and there are no tears anymore. i just want it to end i want to be happy and the more i go for it the more it kills me and knocks me down
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10 years ago I lost my kid in custody and I too laid in bed crying, and I rememeber the pain well. I wanted to die and inhaled some carbon monoxide but then rememebred my 1 yr old neice and 5 year old nephew and couldnt do it. I didnt know what to do, I got in my car and drove 300 miles to LA. I slept in the car and then just drove home. I was lost and my judgement was horrible and I compounded my mistakes. If I could go back I guess I just would have tried to be more zen like and accept the bad things and be at peace idk i guess i just wouldnt have compounded my errorrs. idk what to say. im still alive and my daughter actually visted me once when she turned 18 and I get to watch my nephew play football on friday nights and play cards with my neice. sorry idk what to say. just dont make it worse, you can decide to change your life for the better i guess. idk, sorry.
It sounds like you are in great deal of pain and I wish there were magic words to say that would make it better, but if there are, I don’t know them.
I’m sure your friends mean well, however those comments tend to come from a place of their own hopes, fears and uncertainness. When a loved one is hurting we want to help, make it better, but often the only thing we can do is to be present. Most people want to do something, they want to fix it, and feel helpless in their inability to help to say or do the right thing.
Having someone be present with us, sitting with us without judgment or advice is often the best help someone can give another person but we also have to be able to give ourselves that gift.
To sit quietly present to our own pain, without judgment or trying to fix it and maybe in this way create some space for ourselves, and quite our thoughts.
Happiness is such an elusive thing, the more we go “after it†the less likely we are to experience it. Even the language we use is elusive. Happiness defined as an “itâ€. What is this “itâ€? Would we recognise “it†if it was present?
I don’t think happiness is a “itâ€, some “thing†to find, grasp and hold onto but an experience of a moment. It’s elusive because it only exists in the present but we seek it out in the past, future and “if onlyâ€.
Many people experienced laughter in their tears and tears in their laughter, which goes to prove that any moment can contain the experience happiness.
I wish you better days and that you find rest in your thoughts.
When my thoughts are trouble and my mind awhirl I like to return to the advice and words of TS Eliot
It’s a wonderful poem illustrating how to be present to one self. There is mention of God but do not let the word get in the way. For here I think God points to that which is greater than ourselves, perhaps the paradox of the void in which there is nothing and everything.
I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you
Which shall be the darkness of God.
As, in a theatre, The lights are extinguished, for the scene to be changed
With a hollow rumble of wings, with a movement of darkness on darkness,
And we know that the hills and the trees, the distant panorama
And the bold imposing facade are all being rolled away
Or as, when an underground train, in the tube, stops too long between stations
And the conversation rises and slowly fades into silence
And you see behind every face the mental emptiness deepen
Leaving only the growing terror of nothing to think about;
Or when, under ether, the mind is conscious but conscious of nothing
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing;
Wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing;
There is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing
@Mark1979: I hear you. Everything you said, I hear you. You’re absolutely right about being tired of crying. You nailed it when you said even when you try to sleep the thoughts won’t stop. You try the self-help psych techniques, prescribed pharmaceuticals, & the pain doesn’t go away. And you’re right, again, that no matter what someone else is going through or has gone through, they’re not you and they don’t know what you’re feeling. They know what they feel or felt. Like you said, I’ve wondered if I’d meet god on the other side–and the brand of Christianity I’ve met only makes me despair more because that god would supposedly be angry that I didn’t stay here dealing with what’s making me want out.
I don’t have any answers, either. I so wish I did. I know the religious folks have their own answers, but I always wonder why, if there’s a god, it doesn’t (re)create a universe without pain and terror. I just don’t buy the, “god works in mysterious ways” argument. How about you?
hey mark…i dont think I can stop your pain but maybe you can go the pharmacy and buy over the counter Valerian root to help you sleep for the night. it is non-toxic.
just an update. i am still alive. well obviusly. i have 12 days left before the thing that calls her self the mother of my child has to wright off her child thanks to child well fair. she has proven that she is unfit. my sister is taking over as primary care giver. i have won that one but lost myself in the prosess. i don’t care about anything anymore. i stopped crying think its because i have finnaly given in all my atempts in making it or atempts in ending it has failed. have to see a head doc now. how is meds going to help stop the nightmairs. i havent slept more than 2 hours a night since the last time i was online. although a couple of weeks ago i pollished half a box of my sisters sleeping tablets with half a bottle of wiskey. if there is a god he does not want me out of here yet the family say its because he has a bigger plan for me. really!!! i dont think so it is more like. wait he can take a little more ill give you this but im taking that. funny thing got a job hahaha cool week in the new job my boss calls me in suspends me on some bull claim that he heard from a realible source. i stole money did online fraud. went and pulled my records not even a single thing against my name. gave the paper work in hoping to work the next day my boss sends me a text message: thanks for the effort in clearing my name but they have now decided that the position is no longer availible for me because even though they have the proof it’s not me just that someone said so and i have to work with money it is a big risk. every where i go it seems i am getting black balled
@mark1979: Sounds to me like you have the typical religous family. My mum is always saying similar stuff to me and praying, I can’t quite understand how strong religous believers carry on believing something which quite clearly doesnt work! I mean, my understanding of god comes from reality and in reality God doesnt have big plans for everybody, maybe humanity, but not every individual. you are the same age as me by the way and have the same name which is quite strange! I sleep alot more than you though!