No gain only Loss

So this is my first post and I’m either afraid I will leave out too many details or give too many details.  I’m not really sure who will read this but there is no happy ending to this story. Here we go.

To start things off I’ve never been truly happy I suppose.  I’ve lived pretty rough at this point.  Early on in life I dealt with an abusive sibling who being much older tortured me in ways I dare not say at this point.  Things seemed to ease up upon taking up gymnastics which gave me an outlet to do things.  However this gave me untold amounts of ridicule at school and even within my own family.  Anything from gay to being a sissy.  Also thanks to competing I didn’t have time to make many friends so I ended up watching a lot of anime which got me made fun of even more for being weird.  I did eventually make 2 friends which introduced my to an addiction I’ll mention later.  I then later ended up quitting gymnastics after my coach ridiculed me in front of the entire gym and parents making me cry at age 11 after once taking 5th in the country.  With that outlet gone my friends quickly introduced me to World of Warcraft where my social life vanished and my ties with reality began to blur for the next 3 years roughly.  During those three years I dealt with several deaths of very close family members which numbed me from caring too much about family members which is why I’m not very close with any of them.  Following this I ended up basically failing out of middle school thanks to depression and obsession.  This is where I failed my first suicide attempt.  Apparently I can’t tie knots very well which sent me tumbling to the cement ground of my basement.  Nobody ever found out about this so I just let it be and emotionally shut down.  For the next year I’m not entirely sure what I did since I didn’t visit friends, play games, do anything really.  Somehow I managed to do homeschooling for this year which put me into High School where I reconnected with my 2 friends and I still remember them telling me how depressing I was and become from when they first met me.

Upon starting high school I picked up doing tae kwon do as a way to stay fit and get out of games.  After doing this I quickly changed into kickboxing, jui jitsu, and started my journey on wanting to fight.  Sadly this journey would be halted as my sophomore year I got very ill with something called acute rheumatic fever.  This put me in the hospital where I found out I had almost died.  This would be roughly the 5th time in my life where I had almost died including suicide, finding glass in my soup while out to eat, and falling off a mountain (while little I had slid down where I almost fell off a mountain), chipping my tooth in half where disease would have killed me (I didn’t even know that was possible until my dentist told me how lucky I was), and from birth being born with I forgot what but almost died so I had to be in the hospital for a while.  Upon my junior year me and my friends had gone into games again and we started drinking heavy.  I had almost got my finger off, gotten alcohol poisoning, and had a knife dug into me by a pissed off friend who was drunk.  So I think that is up to 6 life threatening instances now.  So then I met the love of my life, the girl to this day I only want, only have eyes for, and want nothing more but to spend my life with.  Me and her dated for 2 years with only 2 problems occurring.  I had picked up mononucleosis which scared me since acute rheumatic fever left me with a heart that we fear may fail one day.  The other occurrence was while hunting I was almost shot with a rifle.  I basically flunked out of college because she was my life focus, stopped fighting, got a job, and spent every waking second I could either with her or doing things for her which made her extremely happy and she made promises to never leave me and marry me and she proved she wanted to over the 2 years.  She was genuinely happy to have me.  Then she made some new girl friends and this is where the happy part of the story ends.

She dumped me because she “wasn’t sure of what she wanted to do with her life”  she started spending all her time with theses friends and other guys.  It went from being on a break, to we’re broken up, to move on because even though I love you and care about you I don’t think I will ever be with you.  During the first week I was working for her dad and had to quit my job because I couldn’t work for her family.  I had shown back up to the shop, thrown up, clocked out, and then quit.  During my drive home we talked on the phone both crying and a bit hysterical and I said I didn’t know if I’d make it home after the drive.  My second suicide consideration.  For that week I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep because I’d wake up from nightmares of losing her,  and I didn’t drink anything.  I had blacked out and fallen down the stairs, been threaten to be taken to the hospital, then be put in a ward where I would never get out.  After all of this is where I had my second suicide attempt where the knot broke from trying to hang myself and I had once again fallen back to the cement ground.  Somehow I started feeling well enough to eat after getting my back tattooed with reminders to try and live.  I’ve explained my tattoos to a couple people where they start tearing up.  Anyway, I stay in contact with her and it doesn’t really work out for me but I can’t help it because I love her so much I do want her to be happy even if that means me being miserable for the rest of my life.  On some level I guess texting her is my way of staying sane?  My last comforting thing I have of her since we’d text whenever we weren’t together.  But even still I generally cry myself to sleep unless I take medication that I got prescribed for anxiety.

Then this happened which is why I’m here on this site.  I reconnected with 3 friends that tried helping me a bit.  I was going to Milwaukee to see a friend fight and my friend invited to me to join him on the rest of the weekend which included meeting new girls which I was hopeful for, drugs, alcohol, 3 parties, and a concert.  Sounded good.  So we went to the fight where we almost got mugged outside the venue by crack addicts.  Upon watching 2 fights we realized the concert was not in the same state and we’d have to leave immediately to go see it which meant I was going to miss my friends fight.  But we did and upon driving down the highway we saw a family in a car crash, explode, and burn alive.  We saw people die right in front of us.  Haunting my memory still.  Upon getting down to the area of the concert we find out due to the storm everyone we were supposed to be there with didn’t show up and were not going.  So we drove back to Milwaukee in a thunder storm and haling rain where we almost got hit by a semi and hydroplaned into a wall.  I believe depending on how you feel about the mugging  that was 3 ways I almost died in the 5 hours we had left our house.  Then we had no where to stay so we sat in a parking lot where a car pulled up next to us and kept staring at us while trying to grab something so we left.  Don’t want to know if I was paranoid or being safe at that point (its 1:30 am).  We find someone’s house I have never met to crash at for like 4 hours (it was 3 am when we arrived) then we got kicked out because they had to go to work.  So we slept in a Subway parking lot.  I then received a call that my ex was getting gentlemen wanting her and she reaffirmed her belief that she didn’t want me regardless that she cared about my safety and loved me so didn’t want to hear about girls even though I wasn’t doing anything.  Then all parties that day we could not attend, I have not done drugs nor drank.  So I basically did nothing but mope for the rest of the day.  That night we crashed at another strangers house I did not know where I got more depressed, received a concussion, and now as about to sleep with it.  I did wake up and that might be another time I guess bad things could have happened to me so depending if you want to count that another way I could have died.  The following day there was a party with people I didn’t know, lots of drugs, alcohol and I’m almost certain I would have been in a fight.  So I did the smart thing and went home where I am typing this.

I don’t want anyone else in this earth but that girl I love so dearly with all of my being.  I don’t think I will ever open myself up to anyone now, and I know I won’t have another girl in my life.  I just don’t have any desire to be with anyone else regardless of how she feels.  to this day I will defend her if anyone bad mouths her and I do sincerely care about her happiness.

I’m at the point where I don’t want to die, just wish I had never existed.  I don’t really want to feel feelings anymore and I have no goals for my life.  I gave her everything, gained nothing.  I guess I’m going to sit here and hope that this world isn’t as depressing as it has been to me and pray she wants to be with me.  After all this I only have one epiphany, my life is this:  I will help others, gain nothing, get no help when I’m in trouble, and love isn’t for me.  I genuinely don’t want to feel feelings and pretty much shut down.  I don’t know what to do from here but I’m going to keep waking up each day depressed she’s not in my arms, and then deal with the shit life throws at me over and over and see if I get back up after being knocked down again.  I can’t keep cheating death forever.