**This is a jumbled up mess…**
Ever wonder why you bother? I always do. I find nothing in life that is worth fighting for. I feel lost and alone. But I know I’m not. My family, friends, and girlfriend love me very much. It has been them that has kept me from following through with my dark thoughts. I’m writing here today because I made a pact with myself before I started college. If I could no go through with it, then I have nothing left to offer. I told myself it’s over once I get that email, letter, talking too. People saying you failed! Why bother?
It happened.
Now I get to write a two page letter detailing what happened, explaining why I have to throw everything away. I have no talents. I have no goals. I have no dreams. I have no hope. I no longer can write for that was my major choice. Teaching high school students the magic of words on paper. Gone. Then I thought maybe I can think about guidance counseling. The irony defeated that. Gone. Sure I only messed up one semester but they don’t care. My financial aid, revoked, my loans on freeze, money trickling everywhere else but the hands of the needy. Middle class workers that get CEO’s big checks. The only reason the world keeps moving. Minimum wage a curse of greedy America. I know. I’m only 21. You have so much to live for.
Lies.
What is there to live for? I struggle with love. I don’t enjoy pleasures in life. I don’t even enjoy sex. One of the few things that is supposed to make you feel amazing. Not me. My mind is sick. I can’t enjoy life. I look at the dark shadows that infect our world, the silver lining is nothing but a blurred loss to me. Get help they say. I tried. It didn’t work. My girlfriend has tried it made her worse. She has been medicated on every type available. Even medicine not for those of 18. She has lead a rough life, one that she has made mistakes in, a world that has destroyed her. At least she has a reason. Her life has been mean to her, thats why she hurts. Mine has been decent but I’m the one thats broken.
I don’t know what else to say. Maybe I’ll post again. Maybe none of this makes sense. Maybe no one will read it?
I think cyanide is the way to go. But I could never do it. I have no balls. I have no spine. I suffer endlessly in silence for I lack the strength to end it. Maybe I’ll go suicide by cop. But I should probably stop being so nice then…
The world is dark, the skies are closing in, infections of hopelessness, loneliness, shattered spirits run through my veins.
Why won’t it end?
3 comments
Do you blame yourself for everything that’s happened? Even if your life has been easier than your girlfriend’s, don’t pretend that the last couple of generations didn’t leave you and most of your peers a giant, bled-dry mess to inherit. You even touched on some of society’s financial problems, so you’re at least partially aware.
I can relate a bit to your situation, and the main thing that helps me to enjoy life’s pleasures is to maintain healthy self-esteem. Blaming yourself completely for everything that’s gone wrong is the worst thing to do for that.
I seriously hope you don’t let your college performance impact your self-esteem. You probably “failed” because you internally recognized what a waste of time your classes were, causing your brain to cut off your motivation supply. College is on its way out, dude. I’d learn a trade if I were still 21.
BTW, I started learning an instrument when I was 21, and playing it with people is my favorite thing to do now. Just a thought.
I read it, and it makes complete sense to me. My depression and lack of enjoyment in sex lost me the love of my life.
You have an honest voice. I’d encourage you to write again, write more. If you can look at yourself and the world and see what is actually there your ahead of the curve, and it seems to me that you can. I tend to agree with Robo, college is a scam and do not beat yourself up about failing. I don’t know why but reading this made me want to encourage you rather than lament with you.