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Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. i keep seeing my dads dead body when I close my eyes at night or I dream that he is still alive. It’s twisted because when I was still in the womb he attempted to stab me. I hated hearing that as I grew up. He was a drug addict, and had about 6 fatal infections leading up to his death. The flesh eating one is what killed him two years ago a week before my 16th birthday. We had a rocky relationship. From the age of 6-12 he abused me. I lived with him through those years because my younger sisters father had passed away due to enlarged heart and having a heart attack while walking to the store. My mom had lost her mind and dropped me off at my dads where my brother stayed, and never came back. His abuse was terrible but I was too young to understand that the drugs made him angry. He beat us with anything, even fists if he had to. I went back with my mom when she discovered we were homeless living in hotel. My mom is an escort, pill addcit and heavy drinker. to this day. and I love her, there’s a lot more I could say but I can’t. Before my father passed we got a long fine. The morning he died I was in trouble at school and the vice principal (who ended up taking me to his funeral) asked me to tell her my life story. which revolved a lot around my dad, the drugs and abuse. but at the end of the conversation I remember saying I don’t know what I would do if he died. He was dying when I said these things, his roommate found his foaming at the mouth, stole some of his week, smoked it then called the ambulance. i recently found that out. But I can’t shake the playback of my brother and I walking towards his coffin for the body viewing. it’s in my head. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times, cutting, pills etc. I can’t handle the pain, If i could snap my fingers and be dead I would. I tried to open up to my bf who I’ve known for 6 years and he’s not seeing it. I have no motivation, i hate myself. all I do is cry. and until i am asleep. then I see him sometimes it’s his body and sometimes im talking to him. I can’t take this feeling anymore, I feel so alone.