Just shut the **** up!

It is 2:08am and I’ve been in my bedroom listening to my wretched father having a conversation with another man who shall not be named. Every word out of his drunken mouth is like a kick over yet another bottomless cliff.

A little history lesson for all the readers:

Long version:

All my life this drunk has belittled, criticized, ridiculed and harassed his family. He cares only about himself and isn’t afraid to show it. Breath wreaking of cheap beer shouting everything I never needed to hear! My mother was and is too submissive to do anything and then beats herself up for it. My entire childhood was spent hiding in my bedroom hoping I don’t have to confront him. I heard every word he spoke when engaging in his nightly drunken rants with whom he thinks are his friends. I actually can’t fall asleep any time I hear people talking anymore. His words are so cruel and so one-sided. Finally I had had enough of his crap! October 2011 on a night like any other, I finally acted on  my impulses. The first and only time I’ve ever done so. His rant was like any other: “The wife is to blame, I’m brilliant and nobody gets me”. I got out of bed, silently made my way into the kitchen and told him to go to bed! The next morning he had left a note for my younger sister praising her. (She is his perfect little angel for some incomprehendable reason) I then stepped up even further and used a knife to carve the words: YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, BURN IN HELL into his dresser. I waited anxiously for him to get home, not knowing if I should be proud or frightened. Without a word he packed up a suitcase and left. We had no idea where he was for the next week until he sent a text to little sis. He used her as a moderator even though she was only 14. How pathetic. Though legally married my parents haven’t lived together since then.

Short version: The guy is vile, I caused the separation, he’s back.

ANYWAY! My mother and us still live together but now we live in a trailer because money is damn hard to come by around here. He has moved back in with us for strictly financial reasons. She said it would be different this time. She claimed that she’d step up and kick his @$$ out if he started back into his old routine. HE’S BACK MOM! He’s been here for a damned week and he’s drunk and loud and inconsiderate all over again! I brought this to her attention too and guess what happened…She laughed at my statement like I was telling a f***ing joke! What the hell is wrong with this picture! I had no smile on. My voice portrayed sincere annoyance. How does she laugh at me!

Now he’s enjoying yet another drunken rant at the KITCHEN TABLE! I hear every hateful syllable spewing from his sewage mouth! I can’t take his presence around me! I can barely keep myself going as it is. Life is total s**t anyway and it keeps getting worse! Every horrible day is another reason to end my misery and now the one who started it all has come back to devour any hope I never had!

I am so desperate for a release from all the hatred and self pity and regret and every depressing emotion that convinces me that rock bottom is still too high for me to grasp! And yet I sit here at my computer typing.

It’s not enough!

Words on a screen are not enough to save me from myself! These words here are the ONLY expression I have and it’s just NOT ENOUGH! What the hell happened to the impulsiveness that convinced me to rid myself of that oaf two years ago?

Where is it to convince me to cease the endless torment?

I’m so sad, so tired, so eager to go away. Where is it?

2:52am