I’ve struggled with severe depression for 6 years now. I have been hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts and close attempts. I have been a self harmer for 4 of these 6 years.  I’ve tried all the medications, I’ve tried all the therapy, I’ve tried everything. nothing significant happened in my life to make me feel this way, its just the way I am. chemical imbalance bullshit. my close family is aware of my depression, yet they don’t know that I struggle every single day just to wake up and get myself out of bed. They don’t know that I’m failing college and close to dropping out. I’ve lost my best friends of 14 years. I lost the love of someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve become a compulsive liar to my parents, because if they knew all this it would break their hearts and I cant deal with that. I’ve pretty much pushed everyone I loved out of my life because its easier to ignore, than try to explain to them what’s going on in my head.   I fill the emptiness in me with drugs, prescription medication and alcohol. I fake a smile everyday and tell the people around me that I’m “fine” I’m far from fucking fine. I’m falling apart, my body is screaming at me everyday. I’ve started eating less and less, sleeping more and more, just to get the day over with. I sit in the shower for hours on end just staring at the red water running down the drain and the worst part about this is.. NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME. NO ONE BELIEVES ME. NO ONE KNOWS HOW ON EDGE I AM. I am alone every night in my room with my thoughts, and the voices in my head NEVER FUCKING SHUT UP!. and I know I wont be so strong for much longer. I just hope people finally believe me when I’m dead and they are crying over my dead body at my funeral, asking themselves “Why didn’t we believe her, why didn’t we listen to this young girl, who for years was silently screaming for help”.
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That’sa a lot. You sound like you might be very young…if you are, you at least have that going for you, know it now. I have been on different meds, only never long enough. I have tried a few times to kill myself and wound up in the hospital. Suicide ironically is not easy. My family is also aware of my depression…they care I guess as much as they can…think about that. Then if you can get in the right mind frame…put yourself number one, I never did…big hugh mistake. Do what you want, your goals, fun, spending, just anything…but plan. Nobody would ever dream of how horrible it is for me to get out of bed, Howwever, what I did learn but too late…is to get out of the bed…force yourself, if your mind isnt that far gone…it really helps, get out of the bed and the house. Do not let yourself fail or drop out of college, because you may live for another 50 years, and eventually it will pay off. I lost my friends due todepression…do not let it happen. If you care enough to not break your parents heart…pick yourself baxk up…get that degree…also get on the right med if necessary. Find a therapist to tell your stuff to..it helps. get out of that bed, get some food whether at a drive thru…etc. I believe you…what if you dont die…at least now…you will regrets of not getting that degree and maybe have messed up your body.I know the thoughts and voices…they are what messed me up and now I am 51 and have nothing. But nobody told me…so I am telling you! Chances are they are just going to live their lives and not care if you die…but will care more now if they see you taking care of yourself…being pro active. Please take control of your life. There are so many wonderful things to do…so do not miss out on them. If you need me…kelly74orson@aol.com
Just read the comment above, those words jsut express everything you need to know if you get through, especially the degree part.
Particularly i pictured many lives for me, maybe hundreds, imagened many through 7 years, not a single one mattered for me.
juat showing that i´m on the same boat of you, (reading your comment is like reading me).i´m not here to help you, i´m here to tell you, just this: DONT LEAVE COLLEGE, i think this is the only thing that can really help you at long run.
I´ve set a goal, get to 30, if i still the same then i´ll die for good, till then live, just that.
I am 49 and have fought depression and severe depression all of my life as well. I recently went on Suboxone ( off label) for depression and it is amazing. It doesn’t stop that feeling but it has stopped me from wanting to swallow a bottle of pills or use my gun. The thing about depression Ive learned is that we can feel when it’s coming and can sometimes do things to make it not as bad. Maybe it lasts a day, 3 days, week etc but seems to be a little easier because we know we are in depression. It’s that deep state where we have no control and suicide seems like a relief and end of pain. That’s where this helped. I urge you to talk to your Dr. Don’t let the depression beat you.