Well, I’ll try to keep it short. According to what I planned, I should have died the past October 22th. However, despite having overcome guilt and pain, I just could not make myself to do it. I was shocked. I planned it well in advance and I had no remorse whatsoever.
After my failure I was deeply disappointed with myself. I thought I had no option but to wait for a natural disaster, a traffic collision, a civil war or an illness to kill me. I was also very embarrassed for not having the guts required to catch the bus.
However, today I realized what was my mistake. The problem is that I thought the only things needed to off yourself are suicidal intent and suicidal tools. I always have a suicidal intent, and on October 22th I also had the suicidal tools. But I missed the third element, which is as important as the rest: suicidal drive.
What I call suicidal drive is that intense, acute, sudden, impulsive desire to kill yourself as soon as possible, no matter the consequences nor the pain involved. I had experienced the suicidal drive several times, but I lacked the suicidal tools needed to act on that feeling.
So the right thing to do is pretty straightfoward: I have to have the suicidal tools always ready, so when the suicidal drive arrives I can finally kill myself. The suicidal intent is of course a given, I have no reason to keep living and plenty of reasons to die.
To end this post I’ll tell you a little anecdote. Several days ago I felt the suicidal drive, so I ran to a store which sells ropes. I almost fell to my knees when I saw the building being demolished!. Anyways, I hope this time I can do it right. Thanks for reading!
3 comments
This man should get a cookie!
That’s exactly what i fear will happen to me when the date i decided to try again comes. If you don’t have the “suicidal drive” as you call it, you are bound to fail (i failed for the same exact same reason a couple of months ago), thanks for writing this 🙂 reminded me of having all steps in mind. Also the best of lucks in whatever you decide doing, but that rope building being destroyed sounds like life telling you not to do it (not that i believe in that stuff anymore, but it’s just plain weird)
I wonder about those type of posters, the ones who are incredibly articulate and seemingly intelligent, have no prior posts or history on this site and who write one brilliant post and then are never heard from again. Why did they come here? How did they find this place? What encouraged them to invest time and energy into writing something and then abandoning the forum in which it was posted?
Anyways, you make a good point with this post. Suicidal ideation is far different than suicidal intentions, which is often confused and has a controversial borderline. Success at anything is only obtainable with the genuine desire and will to complete it. Half-assed attempts at anything rarely succeed. Suicide is particularly tricky because a half-assed attempt could come with a very hefty price. I advise anyone who wants to die to truly evaluate their ambition and roots of their motives before trying anything. Suicide is a *permanent* decision that is not the lovely fantasy that people make it out to be. There’s no relief in suicide, death is perpetual nothingness. You will no longer exist and will never exist again after you kill yourself. Life will go on without you and the world won’t stop turning after you die. Just keep that in mind.