You ask :” Hey how are you?”
and just for once I wish I could just say: ” I’m miserable and I wanna die. Every breath is a challenge! My loneliness is endless and there is this black hole at the bottom of my heart that seems to eat away at my soul” Oh what a load off my chest. JUST FOR ONCE, to be completely honest.
But instead I smile and I say”fine!, how are you?”
which is your cue to tell me all about your wonderful weekend. It is all you wanted anyway. I think even if I tell anyone how i truly feel, they won’t even realize what I’ve just said. Everyone is just waiting for their turn to speak….Are you done talking yet?
7 comments
Believe me. I know what you mean.
Anyway, I think if you choose properly the person with who you want to talk about your pain, it would be better.
People like small talks, but if you let somone see that you really need to share important stuff, they’ll find time to listen.
Thank you for speaking. I hear you well, xylem. What a heavy load it must be to carry all that weight, all that loneliness, the bottomless black hole. I can feel it coming through your words. If I could take it from you, I would. May you find peace in this world.
@Randall: Nicely done. Rare.
@xylem: I agree.
Thank you for listening.
Yes it is a big load off my chest. Talking to someone might make me feel better but I’m afraid of transferring my pain on to someone else.
Talking might make me feel better but it is not worth losing a “friend”, even losing the person who is just waiting for their turn to speak.
In the real world very few people are willing to listen and even fewer are able to take it, I understand it is not easy listing to someone’s problem, especially if you can not fix it, it is frustrating. It is hard to relate or to understand when you’ve never been there.
How I wish it wasn’t so hard and scary and maybe even a little selfish to talk about my problems.
@Xylem: You describe my experience with others from college through now. In my culture people are very closed–never share their emotions. But I kept reading in US publications about how unhealthy this is, about how we should tactfully open up to one another. So my freshman year in college I tried to break from my cultural tradition. The results were disastrous. And without fail, every single time since then I’ve gone against my instincts and been honest about how I’m feeling or what I’m going through–even if I hold back the ugly details, it’s turned into a nightmare, not the least effect of which is losing the “friend” I opened up to. But I have the best superficial “relationships.”
And you touch upon something equally vital: the feel-good pop-psychology publications encourage us to cull from our lives acquaintances who obviously don’t care about what we’re going through. But doing so for many of us would, as you said, alienate the tiny support community we have. Better a minuscule support system than none at all.
You’re dead right about people just waiting to speak. Like you, I have the pat-response to the non-question, “How are you?” Even when someone gives me a variation, like, “So what’s going on in your life?” I turn the question around and ask him about his life. And it’s so obvious he’s elated to talk about himself…
Have you ever had a paid therapist? I’ve never gotten any solutions to any of my problems from them, but at least for 50 minutes they’re a captive audience. I always bring my own time piece and stop myself at 45 minutes because it feels too … commercial being told, “Well, we’re out of time for today…” I’d love to hear your experience with therapists if you’ve ever had any.
I don’t know if this would appeal to you, but you can share your problems here & I’ll read what you share.
@EK2020
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have only told a few people how I really feel. I’ve seen a paid therapist once. I walked into the room sat there and after the initial introduction and how things work he sat there waiting for me to speak and honestly I just stared at his pale blue eyes and wonder about the the reality of my life. I mean there is no one willing to listen to me unless I pay them? 5 min later I walked outta there. The therapist was shocked. I mean I’m sure it works for many people, but it just wasn’t for me. I think I’d like it better when I can share my thoughts and problems with someone who is equally willing to do the same. I like a balance of information between two people. I don’t want someone to tell me that anything I say to them is confidential, instead I would like to trust them. I know what I say makes little sense..
We live in a society where sharing your emotions is not encouraged. It is unprofessional, impolite, almost uncivil. If I could just box my feelings and stack them in a neat little pile in the closet i would. But feelings and problems tend to find their way out and sooner or later mess with your life. I can’t be the only person with these problems but it feels like this when you can’t connect to anyone. When my social interactions have been reduced to superficial polite comments.