I don’t know what to say. it’s been a few months since I was last on here. I felt pretty bad. Months later, I feel better and worse at the same time. It’s hard to concentrate. This calm, dull inertia seems to have crept over me. the days pass in a blur of unfeeling, which is almost worse than the pain. Focusing on my work has helped some. I hide and ignore the world. My family continues to fall apart, and I’m glad I’m not there, but I feel terrible for feeling that way. honestly, I want this all to be over somehow. But that is not an option I suppose. I do not want to give up, yet I do, so desperately. But I do not want this monster to win. I do not want to end this way. I want to be better than I am. To die with some dignity in this fucking shitty world. That isn’t too much to ask for… I hope…
Since my last post, I was hospitalized twice. Once for getting way too drunk, and once for doing something stupid while way too drunk. My family didn’t find out. I live far away, and refuse to carry contact details. That is a blessing. The thought that they would know fills me with a deep sense of shame. I still don’t know if any of it was deliberate or not. Still, when I woke up, sick, weak, in serious pain, feeling like every inch of me was raw and bleeding, inside and out, I knew… Despite the pain, the hatred, the fear, despite everything I have felt and endured through my life, I knew I couldn’t continue. It has to change. I have to be better… I need it to be better.
I have tried. To remain in contact with people. Force myself into daylight. I still haven’t spoken to anyone about it, so my inner turmoil remains my closest and best kept secret, and I remain my greatest lie. but I have tried. The cutting has been hard. But I’ve worked on that too. It’s harder than I thought it would be to stop, but I’m managing, a bit. The cuts are shallower now. Unfortunately they are also more frequent. I still find it terribly hard to sleep. I’ve tried nearly everything. Still it seems that it will continue to elude me. Sleep deprivation… One thing I haven’t been able to get a hold of. Unless I’m wasted. but I’m managing not to do that any more. So it’s hours of trying to get into a routine sleep pattern, lying awake, but not in the dark because the dark terrifies me. Those are the worst hours. The hours of elusive sleep… This is all trial and error for me. But I hope I can do it. Survive college. Survive my past. Move on. Die on my own terms, and not on my demon’s. I suppose… That is all I have to say for now. This is my life. Harder than it ever was. Worse than it was. Yet so much better. I can’t say… how that works. It’s hard to battle. Almost as though this illness is a monster, but also a best friend, whispering sweet poison in your ear. It’s a hard thing to abandon, it’s embedded, in every inch of me. But I will try to purge it none the less.