I don’t exactly know why I’m posting this. I don’t believe that I will kill myself, at least not yet. Although the thoughts are there. Constantly. I have thought about how I want to go, why I want to go, and the impact it would have on those who love me. It will be painful for them, I understand that. They will however live their lives. Without me. I’ve become a burden, a failure of a man. A failed marriage, failed fatherhood, failed life. I have no dignity left. No hope for the future left. No hope for happiness. My story is rather simple, and I’m sure to some it will seem trivial, that doesn’t matter to me. No ones opinion matters.
I have 2 Â children. And they are children. They would remember me. That saddens me. I should have ended my life before they had a chance to know me. To see me become such a poor excuse for a man. I’ve thought about them a lot. They are well taken care of. Their mother has been remarried for some time now. They have a new “dad”, and he’s good at it. Much better than I am. Their mother is wonderful. She sees to their every need. Other than my children…I have nothing to be on this earth for. And I’ve slowly become less and less important in their lives. This is why.
I was with their mother for 4 years. From the time I was 21 until I was 25 (im 29 now). We had 2 children together, and through unfortunate circumstances ,things didn’t work out. She married her husband a few years after we split up. They found their dream, a new home, good jobs, a stable daily routine. I was always a burden. Like a nagging background noise in my ex’s otherwise quaint life. After we split up things got bad for me, although they never got too bad. I don’t drink, I don’t do any hard drugs, occasional pot…that’s about it. For the following years I dated around. Being the bad father I am I let my children get attached to a few of them only to have the relationship crumble. 18 months ago I met my now ex-wife. She was wonderful. Although the joy that we shared together was a poison in hindsight. She didn’t want children, didn’t even like the idea of step-children. Our false love convinced her to marry me. After 6 months of being married she asked for a divorce, “it just wasn’t what she wanted” she would say. Not just the kids, but a life with me. I was crushed. This happened on the very same weekend that my children, their mother and step-father moved out of state for a promotion he got. I’m happy for them. But my discontent with life is growing larger everyday.
During the past 11 years while in the “work force”, I’ve created nothing for myself. No personal gain, no enjoyment, no value of any kind. When my wife left me, I left everything. “I’ll just leave” I thought. I would go back to my home town in Florida and live with a friend for awhile. Get on my feet, get grounded, start to better myself. Although the more I wanted to do these things, the more I hated myself as a person. I left everything behind. I don’t regret that. I don’t care what I left, my life-to me- means nothing and therefore I should have nothing.
After being in Florida for a very short while, I was slowly reaching the end of my stay, and while I was working, making shit for money because I have no college education drove me to have to relocate once again. But where would I go? I have no degree, no viable work experience, no car, no possessions. I have nothing but a suitcase of clothes at this point in my life. Where would I go? I reached out to my children’s mother. They moved to Houston and told me there are lots of opportunities here. “Sure” I thought to myself, why not give it a try right? Maybe I could find happiness, maybe not.
So I’m here now. Living, if you could call it living, on their couch. I start work tomorrow at a shit job. I have $600 in my bank account. No car to get around and find better work. No possessions to even live on my own. And suicide has moved from a “last option” to a “best option”. I know some will miss me when I’m gone, my children obviously, some family members. I may be called selfish, I may be called pathetic, and those words don’t mean much to me. Because you see it’s not that I want to commit suicide to die, I simply want to stop living. I want to stop waking up. I want to stop the self hatred. I want to stop the “daily grind” because I see no light at the end of my tunnel. I see no future in me. I see no beauty in our world. I see no pleasure in others. I’m a sad, pathetic, poor use of a soul.
I’ve thought about how I want to leave. Sitting in a field, bullet to the head. No od’ing, I want to be sure. The field, it isn’t for the beauty, I just don’t want to die in the next poor fools apartment. I don’t want to splatter on the concrete from falling, or choke on my own vomit from pills, I simply want to exit. Swiftly.
I’m sure I’m depressed. That’s obvious. Although I don’t think my depression is the root of my distress. The root of my distress is life. I would certainly prefer to die “naturally” however that ended up being, although the wait is terrible. If death would have me gracefully I would surely let it. Yet every dawn breaks and I wake. Every evening comes and I’m still here. Death is more patient that I am.
My last act of decency is to not let myself be more of a burden. I won’t take my own life living under the roof of my children. That isn’t an option. I’ll work my pointless job, move out into an apartment with no possessions, buy a pistol and end my life. It won’t be long now, in comparison to the length I’ve lived. Maybe another 6 months or so. I have things to do first.
This isn’t a cry for help. I don’t need help. I just don’t want life.
11 comments
I appreciate your response, although women shouldn’t be spoken about in such context, so I deleted your text. I hate myself, not others.
Ill call my wife(ex) a whore because she is a whore.
She cheated with untold amounts of men, set up a profile on a dating site, drove as much as 100 miles to meet them, all while hiding it from me.
That more than qualifies her as a whore.
And I’ll add gave me STDS in 2011 and 2012.
Thank God both curable and I was cured.
Now I’m clean.
Glad she is gone.
You have clarity of the mind it seems and that’s one hell of a start if you can see the value in that. Fight for life even if just for the sake of your own children. Kids tend to have a keener sense for sincerity than they do circumstances. They are still working on feeling people out and understanding cause and effect, right and wrong. Love your children every way you can, instill a solid self-guided work ethic, and direct them towards a lifetime devoted to learning doing and adapting. Take them on walks throughout nature and teach them to hate the government. Foster their natural inclinations to love, explore and create. Let them despise luxury and welcome change, and demand they defend themselves when others try to tempt their boundaries. Just be the best father you can be because things aren’t going to get any easier from here on out.
man just try not to get too involved in youre exes life. get out of there quick get a job and you’ll feel better. and try be there for your children. u brought m into the world and so now you have a duty to them. its tough but how much are u willing to sacrifice for them.
@Nothingmore: When I initially saw how long your post was my instinct was to find something else to read, even though your title drew me in. It described my situation well (I think a lot of people’s situations here). But as I read each paragraph you wrote, I couldn’t stop reading. I kept nodding to myself. You’ve said some immensely powerful things–powerful because they are at their root common to, I believe, a lot of us, and because they are so much at the root of the drive to commit suicide.
You wrote that no one else’s opinion matters to you. Yes, you’re right! The decision to stay alive or commit suicide is ultimately an intimate individual decision. People try to impose their opinions on us all the time, as if they’re convinced they can in so doing change our mind. I think you’re absolutely right that many of us just don’t care about others’ opinions about our lives. We’ll do what we feel we must. Too bad our government doesn’t (yet) recognize self determination as a fundamental human right.
I think you’re admirable in your description of your children’s mother, not to mention her new husband. I couldn’t be half as generous as you’ve been. You mention you were crushed when your ex-wife asked for a divorce–and again, you refrained from maligning her. Many of us could learn from your humanity and humility. And even though you didn’t say it, and excuse me if I misread, the loss of multiple deep loves over time can be devastating. This is what I read, at least in part, in your line, “My discontent with life is growing larger every day.”
You also wrote, “I’ve created nothing for myself. No personal gain, no enjoyment, no value of any kind.” Many may take exception to the negative sentiment in that sentence, but as you said earlier, only your opinion matters in regards to how you judge your own life. And I think you capture something else common among many who decide to commit suicide–the perception (to us) of a lack of value to our lives. I have to pause here and share I’m struggling to imagine someone who writes so well not having built something of value–but then, I’m looking at your life from the outside. My opinion doesn’t matter.
“I simply want to exit. Swiftly.” Yes-yes! I agree completely. Fast and gone. God, why does that have to be hard? I’m also thinking it will be a gun. It seems the most sure to me. Just a quick pull of the trigger…
And this last line of yours, to me, so intelligently and emotively encapsulates the core of suicidal ideation for many of us that I cannot add to it because it’s already perfect: “I don’t think my depression is the root of my distress. The root of my distress is life.” Yes, that is perfect.
Why the f*kc didn’t I ever meet people like you in school? I think we’d have been good friends–or if not, at the least we’d have had some mutually edifying, and more importantly, sustaining conversations. If you’re ever up for exploring this more via safe, anonymous email, hit me up at social detritus at gmail dot com–all one word. And thanks for the awesome post….
Thank you for you understanding words. I know that I have many I could talk to about my situation, although I really would rather not. And spot on about loves lost. I love deeply, and losing those I care for is, well, heart breaking. Almost unbearable. I’ve said that I hate myself, this is true, yet I also feel that I love myself in that I understand myself completely. I feel as though I’ve “given it a chance”. Life that is. I really have tried to smile, stay fit, have friends. And I’ve been rather successful at those things. Yet the joy of life escapes me.
I’m sorry that you haven’t had many people to talk to, I assume. I would offer you my kind words if you’ll have them. I’ll email you.
I, too, think the way you conduct yourself, the way you talk about your ex wife and her husband is extremely admirable. Little things like this tell a great deal about who you are as a person.
You deserve better.
Think of how many awful people walk this earth, with selfish motives and bitter opinions. How many people would have used that text bar to ***** and complain.
No you. You’re better than that.
You deserve to live and be happy.
Try a different type of job. Work with plants, work by the sea. Do something that requires physical labour if you are up to it.
I believe you are really good person and it hurts seeing you get trodden on like this.
It’s syptomatic of alll the world’s failures when people ho have such good intentions end up getting screwed by life itself over and over.
I hope you find something that elevates you and not only keeps you going but allows you to thrive.
If only half the people I knew had your integrity
Thanks. One reason I truly believe that I will take my own life, at some point, is because I have no animosity towards the world. I can appreciate the happiness of others, I just have none for myself.
I’ve thought about another line of work. Doing anything else. I will explore other options. I’m still here, and owe it to fate to not sit around and wait for death. I just have no hope that I will change my mind.
All the best to you, my friend. I hope you do find the change that you need to find happiness within yourself. I really honestly believe that you deserve it.
You never know, a bit of sun and wind and seaspray on your face and some hard work might do you wonders.
On a much smaller scale, I moved from doing I.T. work behind a desk to working in a videogame arcade and it was just what I needed.
Again, all the best. Your story really has affected me, I really want you to live a good life