(Long post. Sorry.)
Only in the last few months have I felt this way, and it seems to be getting more intense (although manageable). I’m in my second marriage to someone that I love, respect and adore, but that is quickly falling apart. She can’t stand me. This morning she told me that she wants a divorce, and she’s serious. I will give it to her for her sake. Left up to me I’d fight her on it, but she really, really just wants out, and I’m 100% the reason why (her words).
My ex wife always said I was controlling and abusive, and I initially thought she only said that to get sympathy from other people. I definitely was a few times, including one time when I backhanded her across the chest when we were arguing about finances while driving. She leaned over and screamed VERY loudly in my ear “just get a real job you f’ing loser!!” At the time I was working full time and had 18 credit hours of school. Getting up at 6:00 am and going to bed at 2:00 am for like months in a row. And she was out spending all our money on every new movie that ever came out with popcorn and drinks, and eating out at restaurants 24/7. That’s why I was so mad and hit her. I felt so disrespected and like nothing was ever good enough for her. She told me, my church leaders and lots of my family and friends that I am abusive and have the exact same personality as a serial killer, even though I never attacked or killed anyone in my life. I try very hard to be nice to people, but she just says, “that’s how all killers are. They are super nice and charismatic, but on the inside they are angry and natural born killers. They will all inevitably kill people, and there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s instinct that eventually controls their life. That’s exactly what’s going to happen to you.” She’d say sometimes “what are you going to do about it? Kill me?” when we argued over something. It was humiliating to be seen that way when I wasn’t.
I thought my first wife was crazy, but now my current wife now is saying the exact same thing, and saying that everything my ex wife said about me is true, that I really am scary. And she’s a licensed therapist! How do I argue with that!? Yes, I do get mad sometimes and never deny it, but just try to blow off steam and need some space. I’ve said rude things that I’m not happy about and feel a TON of guilt for. It takes weeks or months for her to forgive me after that happens. No warmth, no sex, no forgiveness, no trying to help me be better. Just shame, humiliation, control and anger. I’m always sorry about dozens of things, I can’t remember them all, so I’m called heartless, clueless, and told that I don’t know how to love or care about anyone. The insanely frustrating thing is that she gets really mad all the time too and needs time outs, but they seem to be fine. I forgive her and don’t harass her about it. She can be mad, but I’m not allowed to. Lots of people get upset, but I don’t understand why people think I’m some creepy psycho when I get upset. when I cry or yell or even just get quiet, someone always gets freaked out and I become some monster that’s always “about to snap.”
Today I’m broken down finally and in acceptance mode. I’ve been resisting what they say about me trying to believe I can change or that I’m really not a monster, but I have to believe them now. They lived with me and know me better than anyone. I can’t be with someone like this. I can’t be a dad for my 6 month old boy, or a step kid for my 3 step kids. She tells them I’m scary and I can’t convince them otherwise. Even trying to convince them makes me look like I’m crazy. I’m stuck in this doom loop and can’t get out. Trying to tell people your not crazy makes you even more crazy. Trying to act normal makes you a serial killer if you have anger issues.
I’m afraid that I really might do something violent one day like they say, but I really really don’t want to. I’d rather just kill myself and avoid the shame and hurt that I can’t get rid of. But if I kill myself then they will be right about me all along. I would love to just die tonight when I sleep, and release myself and my family from their fears.
I’ve never sympathized with anyone who was suicidal before, but now I’ here and it’s the most awful feeling to have life’s value and a sense or self worth slip through your hands like sand. I get it now. I’m so sorry that I never took you guys very seriously. I love and respect each of you, my brothers and sisters. If you’ve had these feeling and you’re still here, YOU ARE SO STRONG, and I admire you. Some of you for your whole lives, or for years at a time. Wow. You give me hope that someday I can prove that I’m not the worthless and useless mistake that I’ve been told I am.
11 comments
Rule number one,,,,, and I have always followed it,,,,,, NEVER hit a woman. Period. I find it disturbing you did, really. I fought many times with my wife, but NEVER hit a woman, its a really bad thing.
Given my size and strength, I have to even be careful playing physically with a woman.
There could be a couple reasons why you are experiencing this,,, repeat.,,, maybe you are as they say, to a degree, or maybe you are attracted to these types of women. I dont know you well enough to make an accurate summation of you.
Just last week I found out my wife slept with half this fuckin town, and I have to now be tested for all diseases. I found out my life for 17 years was a lie, and it has greatly affected me, even taking me back to depression and thoughts I shouldn’t have.
For you, you might want to seek some help. I say that because you did hit a woman, and its a serious thing.
Dear SafetyRecall,
Woooooo, let’s slow down here. You know your post can not be fully answered in one comment or even 20. First, from personal experience….we can all become the most feared killers or we all can become Jesus. Both are in all of us. That is not to be taken lightly. She is a therapist and knows this. This is a very involved post, and responding on a phone is hard with this site. Email if you need
Love doesn’t exist. The idea of romantic love is a cultural creation, a fictional illusion most people believe in. Every relationship is conditional. People want relationships because they want something from another person whether it’s excitement, money, affection etc. The moment that you aren’t able to provide them with those reasons, they will drop you like you’re a disease. It also goes both ways. It’s like a mutually benefiting situation. Long ago, people didn’t marry for things like love, they married so they could share and pass down their assets to their children and so on. I live by a policy in which I never expect anything from another human being. Expectations will always lead to disappointment without fail.
My definition of love, giving of myself unconditionally…..expecting nothing in return. It exists. Don’t confuse it with sex, stuff or ego.
It exists, but rare. I did the same,,,, look at what I got… a filthy slut that slept with half the town.
MrBaDGuy, my friend. My prayers continue so that forgiveness will overcome you. The very same forgiveness that Jesus had for those that captured, tortured and put that wonderful soul to death. I will not rest till true forgiveness is allowed to overtake you.
Thanks for your concern. Much appreciated.
Ill be at rest when this ***** is out of my life and mind.
Not trying to be rude, this is a truthful question based out of care. How are we going to make this happen? I am worried it will take longer then the legal definitions of a divorce. You don’t need to answer this my friend. I will be with you every step of the way, no matter your answer.
I am not the same person I was.
And I honestly don’t know when or if I can forgive her, it just might not be possible for me.
Maybe if she is dead.
Mrbadguy,
I’m with you. Never hit a woman. I’m not proud of that, and it was definitely a moment of weakness. Thanks for chiming in
Ok, I hope you find the peace and all works in your favor.
Just remember one game a lot of women play…..
they often blame the man for being what they actually are. My wife was very good at that.