The past 18 months have been difficult. Lost allot of things, cars, house, jobs, wife miscarried etc. Then in March my wife’s email was open and saw that she was into a couple of online relations with other guys. They were pretty explicit. One was local and they had made arrangements to meet. I called her on it. At first she lied about it, then came clean. We discussed it. I forgave her but can’t get it out of my head. Our relation ship was the last failure that broke my back. Life just seems to be unbearable. I love my wife very much and was the only person I really trusted. Not now. I feel like a paranoid husband. Always wondering.  Can’t talk to her. Each time I do I feel like I’m the one that fucked up. Few weeks after my discovery I found a cable to string my self up by and was writing a letter to my little girl.  This was the first time I decided to go through with it. It was the thought of my daughter that kept me from swinging from the back porch that night. Now there are days on my long commute to work I just pray for an accident, a head on a 2 lane road to work, blow out sending me off the cliff into the river. Maybe be on my way home I’ll stop by the local bridge here and swan dive into rocks below. I don’t like being here. I don’t like me. I have failed as a father, son and a husband. I have a brother that tried to commit suicide when he was in high school and I was in the military. Had his wounds kept bleeding while he slept he was have succeeded. I understood why he did it. He didn’t want to be a failure. I had been there. We have the same mom and I don’t like her very much. Long story behind that. Now I really don’t know what to do. Recently I had been working in a gun store and wanted to put one to my head and finish it. I guess it’s a good thing the shop had been out of ammo for a while. As for help….well there is a double whammy for me. Getting help will hurt my chances for employment the with Gov’t. Can’t get a clearance if you want to expire. They will ask and I can’t lie about it. I need the job in the worst way. Then again with my current employer I have life insurance and my family will be covered if I have an “accident”. Some days are great. Others days the pain is unbearable. Things like this have happened all my life but I really feel like I am at a end. 38 years and I didn’t want to find my self here. I really don’t know what to do. I’ll just know when I do.
Damn good thing it isn’t a crime
I’ve got a dirty dirty gun up against my head
Cleanse and purge the ill from the inside
A burning conscience severs the stem–STatic X
The song about sums it up for me.
4 comments
Are you still here?
*hugs* your prob evaluating yourself too hard. maybe try and get some help for yourself. go on medication. think of your little girl. what it would do to her if you killed yourself. her always ALWAYS wondering. she loves you even if you dont think it. and seeming your wife didnt leave you some part of her still loves you. maybe go to couples therapy? hang in there. you can do it
i think you just need to get away from the things that are bringing you to feel this way. the longer that you are in this situation.. the longer and more you will feel this way. it is like youre stuck in a rut, if you can get yourself out of that rut then you could start living the way you want to live. you HAVE a life. do what YOU want and not what you think you SHOULD do. ultimately its your life and you gotta live it your way. whatever is hurting you and making you feel this way, try to fix it. if you cant, then get away from it.
If I could get away from it all I would. I love my wife, daughter and my step son. Been trying to find a stable home, job, and life. Every time we get close to one something pops up and we have to struggle all over again. I want it to stop. Now I have to ask relatives for money so I can keep my current place and pray my job doesn’t evaporate yet. It’s coming just not sure when. I feel most for my family.