Every day I go threw the same thing, constantly being picked on and being asked things like “Why can’t you be like everyone else?” or “Why can you just be normal?” or “Get over it you have no reason to feel bad.”
But I don’t want to be normal, or like everyone, and I do have reasons to feel bad… Every year I move some where new because of my parents money problems, I am all ways alone and forgotten about, and just wish to die sometimes…
I have tried cutting, but get caught before there is even a mark on me… I have tried using a rubber band, but I just get in trouble for the lines on my arm… I have tried salt and ice, but get caught with the burns…
I go threw a major mood swing at night around 10pm and can’t stop crying until midnight when I start wispering to my self diferant ways to die… in the last year I have been sent to six diferant hospitals because of suicidal thoughts…
And worst of all I have moved to somewhere I lived years ago, and I love someone, but I don’t even care about my self, and she thinks its her fault that  want to die… She has started cutting and I feel it is my fault…
I just wish i could pull the nerve together and kill my self, so even if it doesn’t solve my problems it will solve some of her’s… I don’t know what to do, every time i do something I screw up, I don’t care anymore that I hear people call me worthless behind my back, because I beleive them…
I know I am worthless, I know I screw everything you, I know I talk too quietly and no one wants me around.. and its all my fault, if i could just not wake up then everyone’s problmes would be solved, but I can’t do it, I am to much of a coward and screw up to even kill myself…
I am lost and I don’t know what to do… I need help, but can’t find anyone who cares… and I need to just die…
7 comments
Try calling Samaritans at 877-870-4673 or 617-247-0220
I cannot tell how I should speak on this. I have mixed ideas and feelings on this one. Maybe I should not say anything at all. And normally I do not speak so frankly. I am going to reply more on the title then the content. I did read it all and I certainly feel your pain man. I hope the best for you and will listen to you or answer questions if you want to ask them. So, “why won’t it end” simply because you will not end it. And that does not mean you have to kill your self or anything. That is only one way to end it and a drastic one at that. Control what you can and stop trying to control what you cannot. You cannot directly control what people say about you. You can control what you do that leads to what people say. So start focussing on you and what your doing rather than what people are saying about it. You can’t control directly that this girl is cutting. You say it’s because of you. If that is true and you really want her to stop, then stop focusing on what she is doing since you can’t control it and focus on you and what you are doing. You know what’s right and wrong. Just do what’s right. Focus on yourself and ensure you are doing everything your suppose to be doing and the right way. Everything else will fall into place as it should and where it should. Once you have yourself squared away and all that and then everything is still messed up, that’s when suicide may come into the option list. But not yet.
the problem is.. I don’t know what is write this time… I always seem to do whats wrong and it hurts the only person I care about… I am afraid that if I make the wrong choice then she will hurt her self…
I can relate to that. Follow with what is bothering you about you to determine what is right. And once again, you cannot force her to do or not do anything. It’s her choice. So let her in. Be open with her. Sit down and talk to her seriously. Open up to her. Let her know you are trying. Let her know that what bothers you about what she is doing. Ask to compromise. Let her know you sincerely want to do the right thing and don’t want her hurting herself. It’s just that you don’t always know the right things to do and get overwhelmed trying to discern what to do alone. If she cares enough to hurt herself over you, then she cares enough to help you instead. She just needs to know how. So open up man. And do not ask her to stop doing things you continue to attempt to do yourself. That’s a bit hypocritical. And that’s certainly not right. That’s kinda what I was referring to as straighten yourself up and everything else could easily fall into place. Not always. But majority. Just open up and be honest. You two promise each other to try for each other and go from there.
I.. I know she cares… she is the one who sent me to the hospital on my first attempt a year ago… And I know I am being a hypocrite, I just don’t know what to do… nothing works, nothing ever gets rid of the pain… except her
So then openly confide in her and let her know this. And I would say that you care about her. So to me it looks as if you are hurting her by what you are doing and she is hurting you by what she is doing it. Does that mean stay away and cut each other off? Not necessarily. Get everything out in the air between you two. You take care of you, and she take care of her. And you be there to support her in her taking care of herself. And ask her to support you by doing this to take care of yourself and that may be all you need man. But I can’t say that for sure, cause I don’t know what all is involved or all what your going through. It was just a first impression or assumption from what I read from you.
When you say you don’t know what to do, is there a specific scenario or question you are referring to?