Forgotten in Time

To help alleviate some of stress lately I decided to make a post on this site.  I’ve been struggling with depression since I was a young kid, and it’s finally come back in full force.  I’m currently a sophmore in college trying my hardest to enjoy life but everything I do just seems to end with me wanting to put a bullet in my head.  If I had a gun at home, I’m not even sure if I’d be here right now.

It’s amazing to me that I’m still struggling with depression.  I recently received a full ride scholarship and have almost no social anxiety.  It doesn’t bother me to chat all day to random strangers at my school, but the problem is they just don’t give a crap.  It could be a guy or a girl, but either way the talk just seems so pointless.  It never ends in a friendship, just in disappointment.  I’ve been told that it’s a good thing that I’m so social, but I just don’t care anymore.

I’m a self described feminist.  Every time I hear a guy bragging about his luck at the club I just get disgusted more than anything.  I consider women to be equals with guys and the fact that girls are just trophies to guys bothers the hell out of me.  I haven’t had much luck in the dating field, most likely because my looks aren’t really a prize.  I’m nearly 275 pounds but I work out every single day and have been told by all my doctors that there’s not much way to get much lighter.  It’s just not my body style.  I’ve been told by most of the guys I’ve hung out with that I’m too nice and apparently that’s why women specifically don’t want to hang out with me.  It’s sickening to hear such a stupid statement.

Besides issues in the dating field, I don’t have much luck at school or work either.  School seems so pointless.  Every time I get the drive to do well in school, I start to just want to end everything and not put the effort into trying to do well.  Everybody I know tells me that I could be straight A’s and that I’m studying the right major (Computer Engineering) but that doesn’t matter.  It almost gives me less drive to do anything in school.  If it wasn’t for my scholarship, I would’ve already dropped out of school.  At work it seems I never really fit in.  Always told I’m intelligent, but have lost two amazing jobs and I don’t fully understand what happened.  Almost feels like nobody wants to help me better myself and would rather just give up on me.

All of this just pales to the last part of my issues though.  It’s extremely hard for me to get close to people anymore.  Nobody cares to know how I’m doing and I can’t seem to make close friends anymore.  My closest friends all stayed back in my home town and I’d rather be dead then go back there.  I don’t understand life anymore.  Being “too nice” I feel compelled to help people with their cars and all kinds of other problems but I never hear from them unless they have a problem.  The more I think about all this, the more I wish I had a gun at home.  Go out to the country on my motorcycle for one last ride and then just not deal with life and all the selfish people in the world anymore.  I suppose I couldn’t do that because of my sister and niece and nephew.  They seem like they actually care and I’m pretty sure it would devastate them.  I could never do that to them.  It’s just so tempting still though…  Maybe I’ll be forgotten in time when I’m dead.