So I’m a 14 and a half y/0 boy who started this year alright, I had friends out of school, and I had friends in school, but they weren’t my real friends and I only hung out with them because I didn’t want to be the only kid in the library. This went on for a couple months and it wasn’t that bad… at around October, things went straight downhill. I started getting lots of pressure from my parents for school, and I was struggling really hard to get all my homework done and it wasn’t working out. I tried to make myself happier by running for board in my youth group, but right before I got to elections my mom made me drop out. From then on everything turned to complete shit. At school I put on an emotional mask (which was really well painted), and was just kind of silent. When I got home, though, and especially at night, things just got worse. I would get into these surreal states of confusion and depression, and it felt like a trap with no way out. Most nights I would sit in front of my mirror and just look at my self in the most concentrated way, and think, “this isn’t the body my soul was meant to take.” And then I would go to bed. Not to sleep, to bed. Whenever I would try to close my eyes, the second they closed I would start having this falling sensation, like I was getting farther and farther from the world, and then I would have to open them again. Anyways, that’s what it was like until winter break. Then, second semester started, I switched from World Geo to Health, and with the help of a couple other factors, slowly got better. Yet, recently, I’ve been having flashbacks to the old, dark days of first semester. Not as bad, but kind of after-shocks. For example, I would start to feel the same things that I felt back then. In specific, the other day my math teacher wrote a problem on the board and asked the class to do it. Instead, I drew a picture of a man with a knife in one hand, blood dripping from the tip. Right after I drew it, I realized I was going insane and flipped my paper over. The rest of the day I just mulled it over thinking about how I crazy I was, and how I didn’t feel crazy when I was doing it. It was like I was just drawing a flower or a bird.
Thanks for reading
1 comment
While trying to move forward, it’s not unusual to be haunted by the past. Whether it’s a flashback or something else, there are often events from the past that temporarily get our attention. In order to keep the momentum going forward, sometimes it’s a good idea to speak with someone. Letting it build up inside you won’t help and you may increasingly struggle as time goes on. You can only repress thoughts for a certain amount of time before they find a way to come out. It’s your body’s inner way of coping with the stress and developments going on in/around you.