I’m so glad for this site

I have no one I can talk to who understands how I feel.  Even family members can’t be trusted that much any more.  I feel like I’m slowly going mad.

I stare into space for ages unable to move, just wanting to hide, but no where to run to.

I’ve felt like this for years and years.  I have ‘I’m weak please kick me’ mentally stuck on my forehead or back somewhere and there are some kind people who won’t take advantage.  But I start to question myself again – am I taking advantage of them in some way too?  Am I subconsciously testing people to work out who I can trust and finding the answer is virtually  no one and no one trusts me in return?

The odds are all stacked against me it feels.  Can’t hold a job and lucky to have what I have.  No strong family of friend support network.  And I didn’t move hundreds of miles to get away from people, so it feels like all my fault and then the problem goes round and round, worry leading to more problems and anxiety and worrying that if I don’t worry even worse will happen.

I think I’m making a step forward out of the darkness and then something comes crashing down on my head, that feels like a tonne of bricks, to tell me I shouldn’t think or have a mind of my own at all!

I’ve started to really really sympathise with people I also thought were mad and starting to think perhaps it is actually us mad people are the most sane of all!  All I do is survive each day, day to day getting by, just hoping to make it a peaceful, quiet death where I can be laid to rest peacefully for ever more.

I often wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  But the alarm goes and I just have to get up and face the wrath or what ever other mess that occurs and take as much of the blame for it as possible, because no one else has the strength to take it the way I can!  That makes me angry too.  But believing in myself, so hard.  If I believe in myself well that’s good I suppose…but what if I’m in denial as people like to say.

I believe my horoscope is spot on, I’m solving a massive crossword puzzle and I’m realising the people who say they know so much more than me…well I’ve spotted their mistake….and I guess they want to try and blame me for that too?  I’m praying this week for my prayers to be answered and for God to bring justice and fairness to us all.  For God to prove me innocent and worthy of a happy life on this earth.  To forgive my sins as I forgive those who sin against me.

But to face the world knowing I am imperfect and unable to be so, makes me feel humblest of all.

I pray God forgives me and everyone else as well.  But if he forgives me, I still struggle to forgive myself.

I can’t move, as anxiety and fear grip me so strong.  My purpose for living and dying seems unclear.  I thought it was to love, but this is sometimes hardest of all.  I thought I would die for love, but then it left me and I guess it was because I was dumb, stupid and immature.  So why am I still here?  Why haven’t I ended it all?  Because God says to kill yourself is the biggest sin of all.  So I just struggle on, praying and hoping that he might end my life for me in some miraculous way to save me the never ending emotional pain.  For a  kind of spiritual get out of jail free card.

If someone reading this prays with me too, perhaps he will hear us and ease all our pain too.