Thanks and everything

Why is such a site appealing?

Don’t know, but it is.

Thanks for having it.

I have not been thinking of suicide for the past couple of years, but in the last couple of months yes.

The same old thing–how do I make it look like an accident (insurance money) and yet guarantee that it’s successful and not too painful?

In Switzerland, you hear about the occassional bicycle rider who gets hit by a car.

But you know at 48, I have managed to live with depressed thoughts for a long time.

I see all these young people on this site and I cannot imagine how they can feel so down.

In my case, I feel like I am justified to be depressed.  I managed to ruin a marriage and be a crappy disinterested father.  I am not the best son either.  I have had time to attempt many things in life and disappoint myself in really every pursuit at my mediocrity.  And with all these experiences come, I think, a certain weight–a momentum that becomes more difficult to stop.  The young depressed kids on this site should just be able to turn themselves around, shouldn’t they?  I hope they can.  That’s what I would like to do–to forget my past and go a different direction.  But with kids of my own in the pre-college stage, I am “supposed” to be more-responsible than ever and try to save for them–devoting myself to them and their future.

But what I don’t want to do is to support them as they travel down the same (or similar) unthinking and unknowing path that I stumbled down.  And if I hang on to this uninspired corporate existence that’s exactly what I feel like I would be doing.  And I am not so sure I can hang on anyway–inspiration is harder and harder to find and every day a huge effort just to show up and fake the smile.  Really, established successful corporations are the source of so much evil on our earth–they kill the human spirit in the name of money.  Profit-driven growth is killing the earth and I wish I had the guts (skills) to take a new path.  Guts would suffice probably.

For example, what if me and all of the other hopeless people in my area could say, screw it.  We (that is all of the people who cannot even imagine themselves to get a job in the established economy) start an organic farm together because one needs to eat and in northern New Jersey there exists practically no possibility to eat healthy and locally.  Could we do it?  Where would we find the money to start this endeavor?  Would people really “work for food” to get it all going?  Could that really happen?  No.  It’s a dream–I’m good at that.  My dream is to do something different and be an example for the future.  But I’m getting older and inspiration fading.  I’m not a good example.  I’ve failed so far.  It’s really too bad no one in my generation has found the power to stand up to the forces that are going to destroy us.

Life is a gift and look what we did with it.

KCB