Still alive for anyone wondering

Well hello there beautiful people of the universe how is everyone doing? It’s been awhile since i’ve been here. My depression started when i was 12ish in 7th grade and i thought i was getting better because i decided that i didn’t want to feel like shit anymore and became positive and i didn’t want to die by eighth grade i was happy or so i thought. Anyways i was good and mentally stable for a whole year before i turned 15 and it all went to shit again. For people who don’t know i got hit by a city bus and you know survived obviously (honestly it’s not a big deal in my opinion) and well that fucked me basically. The one thing that stuck out to me about that day was the thought that went through my head when i was in the ambulance, i was feeling really sleepy and i thought ”i can’t fall asleep, i might die” and not even a second later i basically heard another voice in my head go ”isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along?” That has gotten me screwed and i became all suicidal and depressed and everything was fucked again. I’m 16 now and i’ve just been walking around like a zombie i want to die but i don’t want to kill myself even though i have those moments when i could visualize myself taking a blade a ripping through my veins or swallowing a whole bottle of pills like it was no big deal but then i don’t and i get really disappointed. I never thought i’d live to 16 i honestly thought i would have offed myself by now and because of that i have nothing planned for my future so when someone asks ” what are you gonna do with your life?” i simply tell them ”i don’t know i didn’t plan to live this far” and they always give me that confused look. You’d think after your mother finds out about your depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm that she might cut you some slack but instead i find her making stupid self-harm jokes which is a damn trigger, some of them i walk into (Example: Mother bought new razors to shave you know? and i said ”Nothing feels better then a fresh blade gliding across your skin” and she replied with “you would know”) Thanks for reminding me of how good it feels to cut myself. Not only does she make jokes about self-harm my sisters do to and they constantly tell me to kill myself and make jokes about suicide (Example: my sister told me to jump off a building and i replied with ”i would f i could but the buildings aren’t tall enough in PR) I have moments when i feel like jumping off my school building randomly and i can’t talk to anyone here. Friends ask me if im suicidal and all i can reply is ”no” and i don’t know why i can’t tell them the truth. The only difference about me now is that i’m a LOT more confident in myself then i was previously and i don’t take shit from anyone either, i don’t hide myself from people anymore. I am who i am and i could care less if no one likes it which is good because where i moved these people don’t know about self expression or how to be different everyone is exactly the same and i tend to get whispers and comments when i walk down the halls with gorgeously dyed hair in marvelous colors X3 I hope everyone is doing dandy even if your life is shit just remember rainbows are awesome and colorful even if you have to wait until the shit storm is over to see one it’s always worth it in the end <3