how does your depression look like?

Like a black hole, i “suck,” i suck in, everything that isn’t nailed down, by mere magnetism and a “negative” and unparalleled gravitational force, and once you’re in my pull, extreme countermeasures are required to escape it. Once beyond the event horizon, there is no escape; i will draw you closer and faster, as you accelerate helplessly toward my devouring core, at which point i will utterly disintegrate you, particle by particle, then compress you into the tiniest possible space, then spit you out in a cosmic vapor geyser, scattering your quantum bits across the cosmos.

I keep sucking in everything available, as if “searching” for something… but nothing, even everything i can consume, cannot satisfy my cosmic hunger. I will consume and disintegrate and spit out, everything that comes close enough to get sucked in… until i finally become powerful enough to tear myself apart.

The only way a black hole can end, is if it “consumes itself,” or rather, disintegrates itself, fractures, tears itself apart by its own sheer force, and scatters its own core, into small enough pieces which cannot individually generate enough gravity to remain “black hole” status, and sends the parts far enough away from each other, in the cataclysm, that they do not incidentally recombine. (all speculation based on my layman’s gist, superficial grasp of the concept)

I find the black hole comparison rather apt.

My unquenchable thirst for impossible satisfaction will ultimately destroy me… one way or another. I will either consume and process too much of the wrong materials, or i will systematically fragment and disintegrate myself.

My life “sucks.” Like a black hole. I affix the parts i find compatible, while spitting out everything else. I grow more powerful with each addition, but also more unstable, more volatile, more unbalanced. I will either consume and disintegrate my entire surroundings, or i will tear myself apart as i become too “hungry” to control myself.

I once burned so brightly, but too brightly, and expended my fuel too quickly, and then collapsed into myself, generating a super-massive, ultra-high-density core, with unimaginably immense pull. I needed more fuel… i wanted to burn so brightly once more… so i tried to burn everything i could reach, and all that did was make me suck more, harder, and seem more scary.

Sometimes i want to consume the entire universe, sucking it all in, and spitting out quantum particles. But other times, all i want to do is shatter into billions of scattered shards, and stop devouring the universe… because i don’t think any part of the universe i can reach, has anything i want. And it’s certainly not going to turn me back into a star again.

one space makes a world of difference:

“a theist” or “atheist.”

I see a lot of people do this with “apart” and “a part.” “Apart” means separate. “A part” (usually used in conjunction with “of”) usually means “with” or “together.” One space is all it takes to convey the opposite meaning.

I was thinking of this several days ago, and it has recurred a few times. This just reminded me of it.

thanks. I figured it was just an innocuous typo, wasn’t trying to give you a hard time about it or anything.

But then i just noticed something… peculiar, about what i just wrote:

a part… means “together,” but…

-> apart <– (squeeze them together) means "separate."

Now… why does this make sense? lol.

This is twisting my brain into knots. This is totally triggering an OCD moment for me. I'm like, almost angry at English for this absurdity.

yeah, i’d seen the “ghoti” thing before. There are a lot of “gotchas” in English. (well, it seems like a lot, i don’t speak any other languages and have limited experience with any of them, so i can’t do a fair comparison… but it still seems like English has “a lot” of places where it breaks or bends its own rules)

I tend to think of our relation to the cosmos as if we are perceiving things at a rate that makes the universe seem like it’s in slow motion. A black hole can exist in a seemingly stable state for a very long time (relatively speaking). I’ve also considered that we’re like quantum fungus on an atom, in the midst of an explosion… like maybe all those stars are merely particles produced by a cosmic combustion reaction, sort of.

And you’re right: real-time in-person argument is a whole different league. What i call “shady tactics” are maximized… all the fallacies are used as if they are valid, especially “appeal to popularity” and “appeal to authority.” If it’s not popular, it’s wrong. If someone with an official designation disagrees with you, you’re not only wrong, but also inferior! lol…

And this tends to cause me to have what most people consider a “delayed response,” which is entirely tactical on my part, because i actually want them to reveal their own impatience before i say anything, so that i can turn their shady tactic against them, and shift the focus of the argument to their display of obviously ridiculous expectations and irrational demands, rather than having to answer their trick setup question. ;D (actually i just thought of that… usually i delay response because i don’t want to say something i’m not ready to say, because sometimes it takes some thought to properly articulate the right response, which is often under the pressure of impatient opposition, which is really just them trying to push you into a premature and incorrect response, so they can make you look bad…)

Unfortunately, i took it too far and just stopped talking to anyone who indicated that i would have to “debate” or argue with a strongly asserted error. In real life, i usually just quietly criticize them and let them finish talking, and then try not to have anything interesting to say in response, in hopes that they’ll get bored and abandon the conversation, before i feel compelled to correct them. I’ve lost track of how many times i’ve simply stopped responding and waited for the other person’s attention-span to expire, so they’ll just go away. lol.