So, I overdosed last Tuesday night and I was sick for a few days afterwards and I’ve had pains all in my stomach since. No one except a friend at school knows I tried to kill myself, and she didn’t think much of it and made a joke about it. That made me think I was pathetic. That I was stupid and pathetic. And that made me think of doing it again. With even more pills this time.
The shadow people are back again. They try to hurt me again. They hold my head under the bath again. I can feel them on me in bed, stopping me from breathing. The nightmares are back too. I thought they were gone, but they’ve came back. I still have problems sleeping, so when I do get my 3/4 hours, all I have is nightmares.
I’m just waiting for something to trigger me, and then I’ll end up overdosing or something again. And I’m not even afraid of doing it. If I had a guarantee of succeeding tonight, I would do it.
And I need to tell my psychiatrist or therapist. I see my therapist first on April 14th, and I’m debating whether I should tell her I tried to kill myself. But, if I did I wouldn’t know what to say? I wouldn’t know how to bring the topic of it up? I want to tell her, but I need help on how to? If anyone could help on how to tell her, I would be so grateful. Please?
3 comments
It might be easier to just print this page and just hand it to her – it’s much easier than talking, no? You could mask your user name with a marker to preserve your online anonymity. Or you could rewrite it and hand it to her in print.
Here’s something you might try for your nightmares: when you go to bed and ready to try to sleep, say firmly out loud 3 times a phrase of your choice, something like “I WILL NOT have nightmares”. Try it for a week and just see if it works for you.
It’s probably a good idea for you to call your therapist’s office and have the appointment moved up. I’m sure if you indicated some urgency that you could be fit in somewhere on the schedule prior to mid-April.
You’re aware that you have triggers… which is honestly good. Insight can be your friend. Now that you know of the triggers, the trick is to develop alternate behaviors or coping activities so that you stay away from things that can hurt you. There is a more of a chance that you’ll hurt yourself overdosing than anything else. Your body will do its best to fight off what you force onto or into it… but you may cause permanent damage none-the-less.
As for how to tell her, just be honest. You’re experiencing a situation that you need help with. If you don’t have honest communication, you’ll short-change yourself and hinder others’ ability to help you.
These other comments are incredibly great ideas! I would also add that writing a note of what you’ve written here (or something similar where the point is still clear) would be a brilliant idea of how to to tell her. If you’re anything like me, I find it immensely hard to express my true feelings verbally and tend to either not say anything or phrase it poorly… If you write a note you can go to your session and say something like ‘I’ve really been struggling the past few months, but I’m not sure how to say it so I wrote this for you to read instead’ – and just hand it over (this may be very tricky but just push through it). I have used this technique and found it really helps as you just go and then get everything out in the open without having to worry about what else you’re going to say on the day as the bulk is pre written, and you can spend time to get it right for you. Do your best to let your therapist know somehow, as she’ll want to help you as much as she can but won’t be able to if she is not clued into the truth of the situation. Trust me, I’ve been there… It’s immensely tricky but just keep fighting to overcome that meeting and the relief in knowing that you will get the help you deserve will be so worth it 🙂 You are stronger than you think so just hang in there <3 xx