The  weird curiosity of what would happen if I kept on living or simply shoot myself struggled within me until today.
I have been an observer for quite some time and I would like to share how depression influenced me into the right path.
At the age of 14 depression began showing signs.
I started smoking weed, having sex, drinking and cutting myself. I did what I thought would be best to numb an utterly terrifying feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. I was a lost introvert desperately trying to keep my head up but dove in instead.
High school was a living hell. I would feel miserable as if my existence was a waste of time and space . Had no real friends, not one person to pour my soul out without being judged. But somehow I managed to fake happiness to my family. My aunt (dead mother, absent father) had this notion of me being social, outgoing and with more friends than I could count for. But it was all a lie. A deep lie which only aggravated my mental state. I began having suicidal thoughts.
Went to college, got a degree, had a couple relationships but I’d still wake up every morning to an unspeakable dullness or even pain. Physical pain kept me from getting out of bed. Would not dress up or simply comb my hair for days. It went on for a year. I could feel my mind preparing itself for the due day, the day I’d finally end my own suffering.
I didn’t want to go without explaining why. Didn’t want to leave my aunt with no answer to why I’d take my life and so I called someone I’d consider my friend (to some extent) and I cried, sobbed, and told him everything I ever went through, ever felt or lacked the feeling of. He listened, quietly. Didn’t judge me, didn’t interrupt me and when I finished, he replied “you are beautiful and I am here. I will always be here regardless of your choices”.
That single sentence changed my mind. That one person who validated my fears, thoughts, emotions and actions changed my faith.
To all of you considering suicide, you are beautiful human beings and most importantly, you are not alone. I am here. I care about you.
5 comments
Oh man, i was just outside brooding over that little nugget: “you are not alone.”
How so? Just because a bunch of complete strangers who are most likely incompatible with me, are also feeling like life sucks and they want to quit?
I look around… i see dogs and empty space, where the family i can barely tolerate would be, once they return from the jobs they hate, to the house i occupy all day, without any acceptable or sufficient way to contribute, because i just can’t stand, or even continue, slaving away for the nothing that has always been my life.
I am alone. I have always been alone. I will always be alone. Knowing that other people suffer similarly, elsewhere, away from me… does not make me feel any less alone. I would have guessed that others suffer too, and even assumed. Never made me feel any less lonely.
Not everyone has someone like what you described.
The only time i ever felt like being that for anyone, she disappeared from my life.
So go ahead and keep thinking that other people suffering makes me less alone.
I know the difference, because i live it every day.
Though i suppose i should express appreciation for the effort. I know it came from the right place, even if it’s wrong.
Damn that was depressing to read, clevername. Not that I would expect anything different from comments or posts on this site, but man. I wish things could have been different for you. I wish this world wasn’t so fucked up. But unfortunately, my wishes mean nothing. The mind of a realist is one sad, tragic place.
Maybe I didn’t express myself correctly.
Its not my intend for people to somehow bond just because they share experiences.
He doesn’t know what it is like for us and yet he changed my life.
You are not alone in the sense of there are people here, despite them being strangers, who will take the time and effort to read and reply. To talk to you. To care about your feelings and how you picture yourself as.
Every once in a while we get to meet a person like your friend and it reverts my disappointment and makes me believe that humans won’t go extinct after all.
Meeting one makes up for for all the other crazies one has to deal with everywhere. It’s such a wonderful surprise, isn’t it.
by “share experiences,” i would mean two or more people being present to experience an event, or series thereof, together. Bonding with such a person, through such shared experiences, is a prerequisite of eliminating loneliness.
Someone physically next to me, because they desire to be so, would make me feel less alone. Someone being next to me as a favor out of pity, does not. That type of situation usually just makes me prefer to be alone.
But that response got me thinking…
I would like someone who isn’t depressed or suicidal, to actually care about me, in a way that is mutually beneficial. But being a realist, i don’t see how that’s plausible.