I really don’t know what I expect to hear, but things are so hard.
I don’t want to say I am depressed. I just act depressed, but I don’t think I am really depressed, because my daily life is not crippled yet. Might be heading there though.
I was doing just fine. About to graduate school, stressed out because I was going to go into the real world and get ready to find a job in my field. Loans were about to kick back, but my little part time was enough.
My boyfriend was with me, so was my mother, father, friends, co-workers, advisers, professors, friends of friends. You name it. All was good and great.
Then I found out I got pregnant a couple weeks ago. I felt it all slip away but it was an illusion.
Nothing was really leaving me, i just felt like it was. It was me trying to digest what just happened and all that comes with a child.
Abortion is not an option for me. It never has.
Plus, I feel like a child is one of those things that makes you or breaks you. But money is a huge issue.
See, when I found out I couldn’t believe it but I was glad.
The father, my boyfriend, he is a really great guy. He loves me so much and he has done nothing but supportive. I love him too and I want to give him a child. It’ll help him get sober, get a good life and love himself and our child.
My boyfriend is a huge… investment for me too. I’ve done so much for him and he has for me. He has some wounds that I can’t heal though. His dad was killed by the cops, uncle died of cancer, mom is ill, aunts are trying to help him get back on his feet, but they don’t trust him.
No one trusted him because he had an opiate addiction and he’s working through that.
I do believe in him and I support him. He does the same for me.
Thing is that I’ve become so entangled with what he did and who he was.
I lost myself in him.
So the first thing I thought when I got pregnant is that the child is for him and will help him in ways I can’t. Motivate him in ways I couldn’t.
But now he’s working a lot of hours and it is just me and my head.
Did I mention I’m trying to graduate? It is such a joke. Everything’s hard for me now. What I could do in an instant is no longer possible.
What I was able to write? get? forget it.
It’s hard for me to get back to the person I was before I got pregnant.
And to get to be the confident woman I was before I knew him, is more than a journey. It is a crusade.
I feel alone and like there is no point.
Because I feel like there is no more to each day than to getting through it
wake up and see what needs to be done and just to do it again until i get sick or die.
I am happy I have a baby
But I am not happy with what is left.
My education was what mattered so much.
Now, not so much.
2 comments
Congratulations, Miss. For what it’s worth.
I don’t have the capacity to address your entire post but I’ll provide some feedback regardless. As thoughtful a gesture it is to bear this child in the name of your boyfriend, you cannot have this as the primary reason for going through with this anyway. I understand you’ll love this child regardless, but you need to realise it’ll be a team effort and a decision that will affect everyone in your life. Stand fast in the face of these overwhelming odds, know that this child will be dependent on the collective effort of you and your boyfriend, and that you will be everything in the eyes of this young one.
I’m sure you could possibly continue studies after the pregnancy and would advise doing so. Again, consult your boyfriend/family and seek out assistance when you need it as I’m sure they’d be willing to oblige. A crusade you say? Hah…well…I guess you’ll just have to crush the opposition and come out fighting on the other end. You’ll get back to the old you; original model, different parts.
Good luck, and again, congratulations.
I believe you have far more strength than you feel you do right now. Having a baby does interrupt plans and yes, it changes your life. I sense you will love the child and really, as trite as this may sound, loving your child is all you need.
There are different kinds of hormones running through your body now and this has a profound effect on your emotions. This is likely why you feel you may be becoming depressed and it’s important to draw from those that love and support you – by “draw” I mean keep communicating, don’t withdraw if you can help it and let them love and support you. Even if you feel this might be especially difficult for your boyfriend while recovering from addiction this may help him focus less on his own difficulties
Above all, allow yourself to want things to be good. Take time to plan the remainder of your education if that is what you want, and remember that you are right where you are supposed to be. It will be hard, yes. But it will pass. Stay close to those you love and soon you will have a baby in your arms. Trust in yourself and everything will be fine.
I wish you the best.