Hi. I’m.. well, I’d rather not state my name. I’m 13 years old- shocker, yeah? No, I’m not some “emo” kid looking for attention. All I ask is to not be underestimated. I know I’m too young to be this sad, but I guess that’s just how it is.. So, I guess I’m just going to let it all out. I’m setting my life out here because why not?
My depression. It all started when I was eight, my family was falling apart. My parents split up, and I didn’t know how to feel. My mom was crying herself to sleep every night and I thought it was my fault. So, I would punish myself. I would bite my hand or scratch my arms until they bled. I’d bite my fingernails to blood. I had many tiny ways of damaging myself.
It wasn’t a big deal until middle school, when all of the other kids were shoving razors in my face and encouraging me to cut, because I would feel relief. I used these blunt little scissors. Then, I moved onto pins. Then.. there was razors.
I have a whole box now hidden in my closet. I have three, two of them rusted up and I threw them away. Two of them I took from a pencil sharpener, the other I took from my step-dads garage. It’s gotten bad. My whole wrist is covered in scars that I hide under an abundance of bracelets and I wear sweaters to cover up.
I remember when my mom found out, she didn’t care. I was going to a physical at the doctors office and she saw my scars. She told my mom about it right in front of my eight year old brother. He didn’t know what it meant. I went to the phyc once and I had some old lady ask me questions about my life. The typical, “Have you been sexually abused?” “What’s you home life like?” “How are your grades”. Then, she typed everything I said in to her computer. She said self harming was “unacceptable” and that it isn’t normal. She made me feel worse than I did before.
The first time I went too deep was after an argument I got into with my mom, she called me a brat and said I was spoiled. She told me she thought I didn’t love her. I was so pumped with adrenaline I didn’t know what was happening. I grabbed my biggest razor and made a huge cut. It didn’t bleed, so I made more and more. Then the blood came out, I guess it took a second but when it did it wasn’t the usual little droplets I got. It was streaming down my arm in extreme amounts- and it was fast.
Was it bad that I was calm through it all, though? I didn’t feel a thing, I was too numb to feel at the time. I just sat there on my bathroom floor, crying and holding out my arm. I wish I would’ve died that day. It would’ve been a lot easier on me.
Everytime I look in the mirror, I see my big nose and my chubby cheeks and my small eyes. I’ll never be pretty. If I’m not pretty I’ll always be a nobody. This whole world is based on appearance, and nobody cares about me unless I’m beautiful.
So, now, on the first week of August.. I’m going to do it. I’ll take a whole bottle of sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. I’ll take them one by one, and wait until I pass out. I wont leave a note for anybody, they wouldn’t care anyways. I’m a burden on my family. They’ll be free to do whatever they want without me, they can get rid of my stuff, they can move to a nicer place.. I’m just a distraction from their life. I’ve made up my mind, and don’t even try talking me out of it because I’m done. It’ll all be over soon. I just thought I should put my story out there so that way at least someone will know what I’m going through. Hopefully you can all be stronger than me. I guess I’m a bit scared, but I’d rather burn eternally than live through this shit.
14 comments
“I went to the phyc once and I had some old lady ask me questions about my life — she made me feel worse than I did before”
Yeah, sometimes that’s all “therapy” does. Makes you feel crazy and out of place, like you don’t belong in normal society.
“This whole world is based on appearance, and nobody cares about me unless I’m beautiful.”
The world is largely based on appearance, yes. I don’t think anyone can deny that. But you don’t have to be absolutely gorgeous to make something of yourself, or for someone to care.
You say you won’t be talked out of it. It’s your decision, but I will say that you should really give yourself some time to think about this. I’d be willing to bet that if you stuck around for a few more years, you would end up glad that you did. But who knows, the world’s a messed up place, and I could be wrong. Also, keep in mind that pills are unreliable…you may end up waking up in a hospital. And it really won’t be pleasant.
^the river is right
also, all of the bombshell hotties from my school took it for granted and are now… well… not so good looking lol
The shy ones and ‘homely’ ones… well some of them are quite the lookers now.
Point being, you’ll never know how it’ll turn out. You’re at least half your life away from being able to tell anyway. Just eat healthy, stay active and don’t starve yourself!
Secondly and more importantly, only shallow guys look for only the hottest girl. There are way more important things than that. It makes me sad to think that girls your age are so concerned about looks.
Anyhow. Pills are a bad idea. You could make things a lot worse. Waking up to an irreversible nightmare is way worse than dealing with your depression. Also, I’d like to point out that an eternity in hell is NEVER better than life. That part should be obvious. I don’t believe in heaven or hell so if you considered nothingness an improvement I’d understand.
I don’t want to die from bleeding to death because there is a huge possibility I’ll miss the vein and end up nicking a tendon and then having my arm spew blood and be twitching around everywhere- very unpleasant. I don’t want to shoot myself, although I have access to a gun, I don’t want to die in such a gruesome way. I’d like to have my face in tact when I’m found. I don’t want to drown because it’s such a slow, agonizing death. I don’t want to hang myself, because I don’t have a rope nor anything I would be able to tie it to. I don’t want to jump in front of a train or a car, because even though we have a train nearby.. I just don’t want to feel my bones crunching and such before I die. So, even though all of these methods are pretty painful or unpleasant. I’d rather OD on a bunch of pills. I might mix the sleeping pills with something else, because I know I can’t die from them alone easily. But I know that’s how I want to leave. Thanks for trying to help, it’s really nice and I know a lot of people who wouldn’t even bother, but like I said- I’ve made up my mind. I know I should wait a while and see how I turn out, but truth is, I don’t think I can. It’s pure torture going to school everyday and realizing that I have no friends and everybody thinks I’m a special need student because I’m quiet and I read a lot more than everybody else. I hate going there and knowing that even the teachers don’t like me, and that I’ll never be as amazing or talented or beautiful as the other girls because I’m screwed up. Nobody would date a girl with scars and cuts on her arms. Or a girl who cries all the time and never talks. Honestly, the only way for me to be happy right now is to die. I don’t know what will happen, because I’ve never really had a specific religion. I’ve always been open minded to everything.. but I think it might be like what happens when you go to sleep. Just pure darkness. Maybe I’ll just seize to exist spiritually? Like, I’ll physically be on Earth, but I’ll be somewhere else or nowhere at all spiritually. Or maybe I’ll reincarnate- hopefully into someone better than who I am now. Or maybe I’ll go to heaven or hell. Or maybe I’ll be sent to another planet or dimension? Anything could happen, but wherever I go next I know I’ll be better there than here, that’s for sure.
Just quickly here, Miss… I once dated a girl who had scars all along her arms and some on her thighs. She’d cry all the time and call me at the wee hours of the morning, staying on the phone for seven hours straight. I had difficulty getting words out of her, but I loved her and understood fully her situation. I got her through her darkest times and she is now happily married with a baby. The same is bound to happen to you. There are people who can truly see past it all. You’re 13…damned if I’d killed myself at that age, as the past seven years of my life (although trying and very difficult) were the best I’d ever had.
Hold out just a little longer, who knows what may come your way?
Personally I think I’d prefer the gun, but I understand not wanting to make a mess.
“It’s pure torture going to school everyday and realizing that I have no friends and everybody thinks I’m a special need student because I’m quiet and I read a lot more than everybody else”
There are people who will recognize you as likeable for those very reasons.
“I’ll never be as amazing or talented or beautiful as the other girls because I’m screwed up.”
But you don’t need to be all those things to find happiness, or for someone to accept you and care about you.
“Nobody would date a girl with scars and cuts on her arms. Or a girl who cries all the time and never talks”
Nah, you’re dead wrong there. Some people are protective, and actually prefer people like this, rather than the uppity, successful people. As hard as that might be to believe. The quiet ones are usually the ones with more substance.
Shephard, it’s amazing of you to do that, not many do. I bet she was pretty, though. I’m not. I suppose everybody has their own idea of perfection, but the main one is long hair, light eyes, and plump lips. I have long hair, but it’s this boring dark brown that’s not interesting in the slightest. My lips are ugly and chapped because I bite them too often, another side affect of my depression and anxiety. My eyes are brown and boring, too. Nothing about me is nice. I hate everything about myself. Every bone in my body. everything I see in the mirror is gross. People tell me otherwise, but only because it’s the nice thing to do. They know I’m ugly, they just don’t want to admit it. I see no reason why my death would matter to any of you. I could kill myself right now and nobody would care. My family, maybe.. but no one else. I have no friends. If I die, it doesn’t matter. I’m doing the world a favor. It’ll be a much brighter place without me. Nobody needs a mentally ill person to hold them down. Even if someone came along who would love me, I would push them away. Why? Because anybody who cares about me deserves better. Nobody deserves to waste their life on someone who wants to die, even if they want to. They can do better than me. I’m horrible in every way possible. And I want to die. Nobody can ever change that, I’m just a lost cause.
Oh, well she was stunning in her own lil’ way; hazel eyes, short blonde hair with brown tints and pert lips. That wasn’t why I pursued a relationship with her however. We connected on a level which at the time I had no idea even existed, sort of like on a spiritual plane of sorts. I can very little for the norms of society. I myself enjoy being on the fringe of it all.
Consider your humble music player, your iPod, cellphone etc: the equaliser built in has an array of “predefined” EQ’s suited to a certain style of music. I personally dislike each of those settings and am thankful for the user defined setting. We each have our preferences and to be forced into a predefined preference for the sake of not having the ability to modify it to our own liking is quite outrageous. Do not limit yourself to the norms of society, be brave and create definitions all of your own.
…that’s all I have now. I have an appointment with Dr. Doom so yeah…good day to you, Miss.
Actually, here’s a little more.
The only lost causes I have encountered (or haven’t encountered, I should say) are the ones that I have not yet found. I used to have this policy of “you waltz into my life, don’t expect to leave so easily” but lately have renounced it is it really did me no good in the long run. With due time, maybe I’ll regain the mental stability to support others again, and I hope you’ll seek out the help of others regardless of whether you push them away or not; make the effort to kick this dark feeling in the ‘nads and be rid of it, if only for a time.
Well if it’s any consolation I can guarantee youre prettier than I am. You are right that the world is all based on appearances. That’s why I’ve been treated like trash all my life. All I can do is work on my personality and try to be the best that I can be. I can’t do anything about my appearance I am disfigured. I have to deal with the strong negative social stigma every day so I retreat to books and internet where I can have some kind of connection with life.
When you get feeling down about your looks you can think of caterpillars. Ugly caterpillar can make for a beautiful butterfly.
There’s nothing wrong with dark brown hair or eyes. Common does not necessarily mean boring.
“Nothing about me is nice – People tell me otherwise, but only because it’s the nice thing to do.”
The problem is there’s no way you can know that for sure. They might be telling you the truth, but you just refuse to accept it. I have had this problem a few times, where a girl just refused to believe me…it’s frustrating. Also, whatever the case may be, you’re 13. Give yourself some time, you might end up being rather pretty, if you take care of yourself. Even if you aren’t now. I have my doubts that you are as “ugly” as you say you are though, because I have seen too many girls that I would consider pretty say these things about themselves.
“Even if someone came along who would love me, I would push them away. Why? Because anybody who cares about me deserves better.”
Ah yes, I’ve heard this one before. I think you should let them make that decision, rather than making it for them. You may feel that they “deserve” better, but they may feel that they want nothing more and nothing less than…you.
Again, I recommend you at least give yourself plenty of time, and don’t rush this.
I want to give myself time. I really do.. but I’m just on the verge of giving up. I have no reason to live anymore. I have nothing. So, I just sit in my room and mope around all day, go to school and cry in the bathroom, then come home and listen to my family scream at each other. I can’t live like this much longer, and I know it. I’ll be surprised if I even last until the planned date because everyday it seems the urges are getting stronger and I’m getting sadder. I’m walking a tightrope here and it seems like everybody is trying to snap it and watch me fall and laugh. My entire life, nothing has been on my side. No matter how happy I try to be, or how hard I try to recover. Everybody treats me like complete garbage. I can’t do this. I’ve been holding up too long, and I feel like there’s no point in even trying anymore. I mean, if nobody has been here for me before then why should I have hope that they will now? If I don’t leave and decide to stay here, I’ll be miserable. Even if someone comes around and makes me smile, I’ll still have my depression. It’s not like a physical disease, no medicine can cure it- despite what the therapists might tell me. I know better. I know that listening to music and reading a book wont take away my sadness, maybe it’ll be a distraction.. but when it’s over I still have problems. I know that applies to self-harm as well, and it’s just a distraction but I can’t seem to shake the urge. Everytime something happens I feel like that’s the only way to release all the energy from myself, all of the crazed thoughts. Everything seems to simmer down when I see the cuts on my arm. But when it’s over, and the bleeding stops. I’m sad again.. and I have another cut that will turn into a scar that lasts forever. It’s a deadly cycle, and it wont go away. Depression is a lifelong issue, and along with that comes so many other problems I have. Insecurity. Suicidal thoughts and tendancies. Self-Harm. Anxiety attacks. Angry outbursts. Everything bad in my life comes from depression. I’m sick of it. I can’t do it anymore. I’m done. I’m too weak, and this world isn’t meant for me.
Well, if that’s how you feel… you’ve gotta do what you feel you have to do. I can’t blame you. The world is simply too much for some people, and I might be one of them too. I haven’t counted myself out of the running yet, but I suppose you have.
Still, 13 is pretty young to be deciding you are a “lost cause”. But if someone just can’t stand the pain then….what else is there to do?
Well, I hope you find some peace, one way or another.
im 14 and i have been feeling like this since your age!! you are not alone please dont do it you are worth so much even you may not see it. dont give up what ever you do! are you a boy or a girl? and go to the doctor get antidepressants to help dont ever give up you were bought here for a reason
Ha. I don’t believe in anti-depressants because I think that depression isn’t about any of the whole “hormone” and “brain” ideas the doctors try to pin me with. I know my depression goes deeper than just mental issues, I just don’t know why I’m upset or how to no longer be upset. It’s like every time I get rid of a problem another one occurs, and it just gets worse constantly and drastically. Everything is continuing but me, I’m just kind of stuck in life, and I feel like it’ll continue to do that until I change something. I want to live, I know I want to live. And I mean really just living.. like enjoying life, and moments and friends and family. But, I also want to be happy. And right now it seems like the only way to be happy is to stop breathing. I’ve tried too hard for too long to be happy, I’ve tried everything. I only make it worse. The only chance I have at being happy is to stop feeling.. and how can I stop feeling? Death.