I am 19 years old and I have an eating disorder.

 

Two weeks ago I was admitted to hospital for an overdose and for self-harm. My normal weight before the eating disorder was 73kgs but now I range between 59-62kg (which is on the brink of unhealthy for my height).

Between the ages of 8-12 I was continuously sexually abused and when I was 12 I was taken from my house by child protective services because of a FALSE allegation against one of the male family members in my family.

 

Since that night I was forced to live away from home. Luckily I was allowed to lie with my recently widowed English grandmother. In order for me to see my family I had to be supervised and could only be there for a certain time period.

 

I then lived with my grandmother for the next 5 years until she sadly passed away in 2009. By then family services had forgotten about me and I moved back with my parents.

By then I was very independent, I started working at age 14, and I did plenty of outings with friends and was very social. I also had goals of University and travelling overseas. The future was looking so bright. I remember saying to a friend of mine in my final year school, “I could never be depressed I’m too happy of a person”. Well I guess I jinxed that.

Looking back to when this all started think it was Jan 2011. The day of the major flood in Brisbane. My family and I had just moved into our new flat only a couple of months after my nans passing. It was right on the riverfront with a beautiful view of the city. A few weeks after we moved in, on 11^th Jan 2011 the flood came. The river broke its bank and the first two floors of my apartment block was inundated.

 

Luckily my dad evacuated us the night before and we were safe in a hotel. 35 people died in these floods and over 200,000 people were affected. It was my first natural disaster I experienced and hopefully my last.

 

When we finally returned to the flat once the water had receded the damage was just so hard to comprehend. Because we had just moved in we still had boxes in our garage with stuff still waiting to be unpacked. Most of which was the possessions of my late grandmother.

There was mud everywhere the floor, walls and roof covered in silty mud. Garage doors had seized and buckled. People’s cars and boats had been fully under. The only lift in the block (which was parked on level 2) had been damaged and was unusable. The building had been officially condemned until the fire system was fixed which a month later it was.

So from Jan-Feb 2011 I was living in a hotel room with my 5 other siblings. In Feb I started my final year of high school, luckily the hotel was closer to my school. After the clean-up and the systems were back up we were permitted to move back in. However it took another month for lift towards and I was walking up and down 9 levels of stairs every day, Still life went back to normal after that and I got stuck into my final year of school but the whole expensive left me shaken.

Around May of 2011 I started dating a boy we went to the same school which means we saw each other every day and we had every close an intense relationship for around 3 months, until one day he went silent. Now I don’t blame him for his actions and I understand and forgive his. His mother had contacted him around the time of my birthday and I told him she was moving away and basically wouldn’t see him again. His parents had been slip for a long time had hardly saw his mother as it was and I completely understand if his head want working properly after hearing that news.

Two weeks after he had gotten the news he was still ignoring me until I got a call from him… We broke up that night. I’d just turned 17 and it was a very intense teenage relationship at the time. I cried that whole night mum tried to comfort me but I was in a place that nothing could pull me out. I was numb and I think it’s where it all began.

 

So for the next 10 days I felt hollow and numb. I didn’t care about anything and I was keeping myself numb by drinking alcohol. Of course I was underage and it wasn’t something I could get easily so I wouldn’t eat anything to increase the affect. I was drinking morning lunch and afternoon because I had to go to school and see my ex. Every day was painful because we all hung out with the same friends and I felt like I had no escape. Most days after school I would go to a friend’s house where I could get Vodka to drink. His mate lived there at the time and I knew he was interested in me.  Of course I was still numb at the time but unfortunately I thought being with someone else might bring my ex back. Around this time my ex was flirting with another one of my not-so-good friends, which made things even more painful for me.

 

It was a mutual mates 18^th birthday and we were all out having dinner. My friend’s housemate was there and was fairly intoxicated and was hitting on me hard. Unfortunately my ex was there too (also friends with the housemate) and I was not in the mood to be touched and that night I basically told him to F*ck off because he wouldn’t stop. This made him depressed and he drank a lot more alcohol that night than he should have. He was starting to become loud and aggressive so we left before someone got kicked out. We all got in a maxi taxi to go home I was in back with my exs and I’s friend. Whilst the flatmate was in the front crying hysterically about why I didn’t like him and that no one loved him. In order to comfort him my ex talked shit about me to make him feel better about himself. This really hurt, I just grabbed my exs mates hand next to me and he hugged me while the whole cab listened in on how shit of a person I was.

 

We arrived across the road from the house where the flatmate and one of our school friends lived which was on a very busy road. As soon as the cab doors were open the flatmate ran onto the road into oncoming traffic. Cars beeped and swerved at him. My ex and some other friends pulled him off the road and to the other side to let him calm down and cry. I was on the other side frozen in shock at what had just happened. My exs friend was standing next to me. He could see me go pale and frozen so he grabbed my hand to hug me tight and I started to cry. Instead of going into the house we walked a suburb away to his house was I would be away from everyone. I’d never felt that guilty. I felt so sick but nothing to throw up, all I wanted was something to numb it all. When we got back to his house he gave me some vodka that I downed in one go. We sat there on the couch in the dark staring at the blank TV. I was exhausted emotionally from someone trying to take their life because of me and physically because I hadn’t eaten. I think we fell asleep because I don’t remember anything else that night.

 

I woke up the next morning and he was cooking us breakfast. He put the plate of food in front of me and said “Eat that” I tried to say I wasn’t hungry but the truth was I I’d just gotten used to the feeling of hunger. As soon as I ate I felt so much better like much better it was only then I noticed my clothes were baggier than usual. When I got home I weighed myself for the first time since the breakup. I’d lost just over 10kgs in less than 2 weeks…..

I started to eat again but not as much a before because my stomach had shrunk. My exs friend and I were hanging out a lot more and had started to flirt and kiss each other but I was still a bit numb. For a while I was getting better, I felt like he was my saviour for making me eat and helping me through a really shit time, he had my trust 100%. By the time this all happened my ex was together with my not-so-good friend.

One night he picked me up to go to a drink up at a mates house. He got a little tipsy and so did I. We ended up in bed together and he wanted sex but I was still numb from my ex but he kept pressuring me. I thought maybe a stepping stone to get over my ex. Let’s just say during I was saying the words “No” and “Stop” and also crying but it didn’t. Everything in life is a lesson however I would have preferred not to have learnt that one. After that night he ignored me and started spreading rumours that I jumped on top of him whilst he was drunk and that he didn’t know what he was doing. I hope my ex didn’t believe him but I don’t thing he did. So not only did I have to avoid my ex and new girlfriend at school but I also had to avoid the rumours and the boy who had started them.

After that I skipped school a lot and it was taking a toll on my grades. I wanted to quit school altogether at one point but my maths teacher had a talk to me. I think he noticed my weight loss and my grades dropping. I thank him so much for doing that because he motivated me to be better than them all and rise above it all. Which I did…

I graduated from High school on 11.11.2011. I had an academic award for science and I graduated with an OP11 (originally predicted to be an OP6). I had a car and got my licence as well I’d also been offered two jobs to start the week after school finished. Things were looking up and I deleted all contact with the people I couldn’t stand to be near. I started working two jobs 7 days a week until I was accepted into the University of Queensland in St Lucia. University is not like high school and I do know that now but I think from my last year of schooling put my off studying again and I ended up dropping out after the first semester.

 

After that I was working in a hospital 5 days a week as an administrator. The job itself was fulfilling and id always came home feeling like I had done a good days work. However after a couple of months working there one of my co-worker’s was becoming unbearable to work with. This woman had issues. Now I can understand her situation and some of the issues she had to deal with I can see why she would upset or mad. However you don’t bring it to work and take it out on patients and fellow co-workers. She was rude, yelling at people, snapping 24/7 at you. She once told our supervisor to “F*ck off” once. She had been given warning dragged up to HR and our boss’s office and nothing would change. It got so bad that I would stress about going to work because I didn’t know what mood she would be in. I wasn’t the only worker that felt that way but I still stayed because I loved the work and the pay. Plus as a 17yr old I was doing well from this job.

For the next 11 months I was working and I started eating right and going to the gym often, I weighed around 62kg but a lot of it was muscle. In November 2012 I was offered a position in a ski resort over in Japan. I cried the whole flight over to Japan. I hated leaving my parents again. I’d been back living with them for 3 years but there were feelings coming back from when the police came and took me away from them. When I arrived in Tokyo I got culture shock big time. Even though I’d been to Japan twice before with my family and had studied the language for most of my life it was still hard. I spent hours walking around the streets of Ikebukuro trying to find my hotel. For the first 2 days I hardly left the hotel only for food when I was disparately hungry. I spent my time sleeping or skyping my parents. Day 3 I went to meet the people who had organised my employment. They then drove me and the other recruits to the mountains in Nagano Prefecture. We met our employers and roommates for the next few months. Within 2 weeks I was depressed again I was working 9 hour days with no days off in between. Speaking another language and understanding another culture is hard. All I wanted to do was sleep mostly. My brain was so exhausted all the time. The day before NYE I got sick with the flu and I got taken to hospital. The doctor gave me some medication to take to pep me up so I could continue working. I don’t know what was in them but I think I was high, so high I thought it was a good idea to go out in -2 degrees to a new year’s party even though I had work in the morning. I mixed the prescription drugs with alcohol as well and I can only remember a few things from that night. I remember hooking up with some New Zealand dude and then hoping in a cab with three men that dropped me near my house but then I walked around in the snow for ages trying to remember where I lived. I went downhill from there, after mixing the drugs with alcohol I started to get even more depressed and instead of not eating I was binge eating instead and in one month I gained 13kgs. I starting hating my body and that’s when I started using Laxatives and sticking my fingers down my throat to force myself to throw up. I’d lost all impulse control and I would constantly overeat and purge. By the time my contract was up and I went home I was 10kgs heavier than when I left. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming home because I wanted to lose the weight before I saw anyone. For a month I was on and off restricting dieting and fasting until I got down to 66 kg and I then revealed to friends that I was home. I started working back at the hospital again and restricting my diet until I was back to 62kg. I ended up leaving the job at the hospital in Dec 2013 because the stress was too much and the anxiety wasn’t worth the pay rate. I got a job at a Dermatology practice in Jan 2014. I was suddenly surrounded by beautiful young enhanced women. Again I liked the however my own insecurities got the worst of me. I started restricting more and when I was really bad I was purging again.

After a month of working there I started dating a very cute and charming guy which I was instantly attracted to. We started talking and ended up going out one night together with his mate to the clubs on the Gold Coast. I did end up drinking that night and only a week before I’d been put on into depressants to help with my eating disorder. It was such a fun night every time I walked away he would grab my hand and pull me back into him otherwise guys kept coming up to me. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want him jealous or anything but I liked how he wanted me and would stop others from getting me (even though I wouldn’t have cause I was head over heels). That weekend I met both his parents as well as the mate of his. His mate also hit on me too but I was too smitten so I politely rejected him. A day later I was on Facebook and I sent a Friend request to his mate who we had been hanging with on the weekend. A few hours later I got a text saying “As soon as you’re alone you add my mate ayy?” I was kind of confused because it was honestly an innocent gesture and only added his mate to get to know his world a bit more. I replied and explained it was just an innocent add and I had feelings for only him but he wouldn’t respond.

Now I’m usually rational but from past experiences I overreact when a guys stopped responding and I get anxiety from it so I was really upset because I thought I had hurt him. It took a day or two but he did finally talk to me again and we ended up spending time together the next weekend. However the weekend before he had given me his expensive watch to take care of whilst we were out and I accidently took it home with me and I lost it. I looked everywhere for the dam thing but I couldn’t find it. I was getting really frustrated and anxiety because I couldn’t find it. I felt guilty for losing it the thing cost like $300. After searching I texted him I couldn’t find it and offered to replace it and starting looking for one on eBay. He went off at me for it still. I can understand being upset but saying things like “This is why I don’t get involved with girls”. I didn’t steal it or anything, and what does losing a materialistic thing have to do with my feelings for him anyway? The fact that I offered to replace it obviously didn’t matter to him. He then went even further and demanded the replacement be bought only at Myer to get the extended warranty… That hurt. I had been upfront and honest with this guy from day one and he disrespects me like that. I was respecting his feelings by offering a replacement and all he could do was blame and criticize me. I decided that night I didn’t want to see him again so I said I’d post it to him.

 

It seems insignificant now just a little watch worth only $300 could start my downfall. I don’t like it when I am in a situation where I do the best that I can to make it better but it’s still not enough. It makes me feel worthless especially when it comes to males. I’m not sexist or anything but it’s just a reaction I’ve had even since I was sexually abused by one at a young age. I could feel myself losing control and I was having impulsive thoughts and overthinking everything again. I started lighting a blade with my lighter to make to blade hot and I cut my forearm with it over and over again. I can’t explain it but the pain feels good. I think its adrenaline or something and it can be an addictive way to cope with things. I’d also not been sleeping well for the past couple of days so I was in my room trying to sleep but couldn’t because I was overthinking everything about my life and myself. I was sick of not sleeping so I grabbed the medicine box from the kitchen and started popping pills. I emptied a packet of Panadol and Panadine forte and also took a tramadol on top of that. I just wanted to pass out I didn’t care what happened. A few minutes after the realisation of what I had just done kicked in, I was going to die. I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to mask the sounds of me trying to purge the pills out of my system. Unfortunately I couldn’t purge them all and I was starting to black out and couldn’t stand up properly. I yelled out to my mum who came running in. She saw me on the floor and turned the shower off and asked what was wrong. I started to have a panic attack. I was crying and breathing very heavily and so fast it was hard to speak. I finally got out the words “I took something” and I could hear her freaking and the desperation in her voice asking me what had I taken? I was starting the blackout then. They drove me to the emergency room at the hospital I used to work at; they did tests and monitored me until the morning.

I felt so guilty for putting my parents through that. My parents stayed with me from mid night until around 7am in the morning. All night I was I and out of conscious. My face was numb and my eyes were flickering from having little seizures. The net morning I was transferred to the psychiatric admissions at the Royal Brisbane Hospital for self-harm and attempted suicide. I was still fainting and going in and out of conscious. Just walking from the car to the ER was difficult. We were there for a good couple of hours most of which I was unconscious for and I was then discharged a couple of hours later. I was then placed on suicide watch which means all medications under lock and key, all sharp objects removed, I wasn’t allowed to be alone, I wasn’t allowed to drive and I wasn’t allowed to work.

 

So here I am now, diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Bulimia/Anorexia. I’ve had one suicide attempt and I’ve been purposely staving and harming myself for years. Looking back over events I can understand now how things escalated the way they did and how they all came to haunt me all at once. I am truly sorry for putting my friends and family through this but without their support I would be dead by now…