So I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for pretty much my entire life.
I really see no joy in most things. I feel like I’ve mostly lived my life for other people, I can’t really recall feeling genuinely happy since I was young. It feels like my life has just sort of been a series of unfortunate events; which would be enough, but I just don’t seem to have the ability to deal with it.
Everyone I’ve grown up with has distanced themselves from me and ignores me now. When I try to make new friends people pretty much do the same. I push myself so hard all the time to go to work, finish my assignments, and all I think is… for what? There really isn’t anything that brings me true, genuine happiness.
I see no real solution, I’m stuck in a dead-end relationship with someone who sucks me dry emotionally. I don’t care about our relationship. I don’t care about my family, as I’ve been their emotional punching bag most of my life. No one seems to have really ever seen a lot in me other then my parents token comments growing up.. which have dwindled out now that I’m a “grown adult”.
I went to school for years because I thought it would help me get a better life, all it ended up doing was isolating me further and further to the point I could barely socialize with people at all. I was pretty much constantly criticized.
Here I am again strongly considering just cutting it short here, because the physically and emotional pain is just too much at this point. I can’t take a nap without brooding over what’s bothering me. I’ve been to the doctor and taken drugs, I’ve been to a therapist and talked. It doesn’t seem like I’m really going to get better.
I always had this strong feeling deep inside that I’m one of those people who just probably won’t make it, and will serve as an example for the people who “knew” me. I guess this is where I’m at. Had to get this out.
7 comments
You won’t serve as an example to anyone. You’ll just be dead and dead without reason. You won’t get anything out of it or even know if you did.
What will make you happy? I don’t know the answer anymore than you do. But I know I am the happiest when I don’t think to compare myself to others and when people (especially the people I love) don’t compare me to others. That way I don’t feel like a failure… But I have been wondering what would possibly make you and the other folks on here happy.
Could we all go to some magical island where we were free of the expectations of others? If all of us suicidal people were stranded together with no hope of rescue then we would be forced to choose: live or die. And we would have to just get on with it.
The life I lead right now feels shameful. Kind of like I am not allowed to do either. Can’t really live like I want to and I can’t die just yet. I’m not at my giving up point.
But I’m really fucking pissed. Because this limbo of “things are bad but not bad enough to justify my death” means that I don’t even get a fucking choice. I just wish something would happen. I’m waiting and it feels like a lifetime. I know I am not really alive with the way every day is wasted. And I’m certainly not dead. I wake up and feel like I’m not even there half the time, like I don’t exist until someone makes eye contact and addresses me.
I just wish something would happen to force me to choose. Wake up and live or kill yourself. Either way I’ll probably go mad before either of those things come to pass.
Life is full of unfortunate events. They just seem to follow certain ppl more than others. No worries cuz im on the same bench as you bud.
Well that began helpful. thanks
Sorry. I guess I was just trying to see where you stand and see if you are feeling the same. When you ask “what’s the point of it all?” What do you mean?
I’ve asked the same thing but only because my life feels like a pointless monotonous game being acted out by the worst players. People who try to be sympathetic or overly pitiable make me feel like everything’s a big joke. Bullshit, you know? No one really gives a damn as much as they say they do. Just feels phony. What’s the point of it all? If everyone’s lives are going nowhere and our only reason of being here is to act out our roles in society….. Did any of this sound similar to how you have felt? Do you ever think of throwing in the towel because everything just feels like bullshit? I guess I’m just wondering.
It’s such a catch 22. Because even though everything feels like bullshit, so are we. We are all complete products of our environment and either feel like we owe something to our upbringing or felt like it owed us something (it didn’t fucking deliver). People try to die for all sorts of reasons. To gain control. To hurt others / gain the ultimate upper hand. To end suffering. To get attention.
But I wonder if anyone out here has ever gone straight to suicide due to apathy, anhedonia, and boredom.
You know how you want to die?
Is it because a the consistency of daily life is unbearable?
Or is it because your are getting your ass kicked by life? Hell, maybe there is someone legitimately mind-fucking you and destroying your sanity….
Or maybe someone you live in constant fear if but depend upon.
I can’t tell what’s got you to this point based on what you said. But I have met people who were little more than abused dogs that ran back to their owner, tail-wagging until kicked away.
Please let me know because I’m having a hard time understanding why you feel the way you do.
“i’m with someone who isn’t good enough, so… i’m gonna kill myself!”
I tend to think that i’d be somewhat content to AT LEAST HAVE SOMEONE…
But maybe not; maybe i’d just be like “meh, not good enough, killin’ maself.” But she’d have to be… well, not decent.
School doesn’t make you unable to socialize; not socializing enough for long periods of time, and thus missing out on important personal development experiences, does. The longer you don’t do it, the further behind you’ll be, and the longer it’ll take to “catch up” to “close enough” to where you should be, so that people don’t freak out and shun you like a freak, for being socially underdeveloped (for good reason: school!).
Q: “why aren’t you socially developed?”
A: “i stayed in school!”
GOOD
Q: “why aren’t you socially developed?”
A: “no one ever likes me…”
BAD
If you tell a stranger or brand new acquaintance “no one ever likes me,” they’re going to take that as a “sign” that they too, should also not like you (even though this indicates an absolutely ridiculous reasoning method, it’s unfortunately quite common, and should be expected in the majority of people).