yes no maybe I don’t know

I feel like I am The Only One. The only one that is Truly Alone. I know that is not true… But somehow all my searches for somebody with life circumstances like mine only further validate that I Am Alone And No One Understands. Oh and by the way I am Not A Teenager. I wasn’t a particularly angsty teenager. If I had been one, perhaps I would have been ok now. If I had realized earlier that I might have social anxiety and/or be a HSP (whatever the difference is, I only learned about HSP yesterday) maybe I could have solved this sooner.

I just made some cuts in my leg with my razor. Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but it doesn’t feel like a big deal. I didn’t do it because of emotional numbness or wanting to Free Angst. I did it because I am angry at life, at my life. Life is a Gift, it is said. Well, mine is like a Christmas present I didn’t wish for it so I want to Break It! Show the world what I think of it! I’m contemplating suicide so I thought I might try to ease myself into it, because the thought of having to drown myself or hang myself are still a bit overwhelming. I am afraid of the panic. You can’t exactly take deep breaths when you’re suffocating to death… Perhaps I can slit myself to death, but I would need a better razor for that I think.

I wish I had someone to talk to… All I want is understanding… And help. I want to be Saved because I feel so Powerless. But that is just not going to happen.

At least I got a “song” out of that futile cutting attempt. Perhaps my suicide/depression/social anxiety musical isn’t so unlikely to happen.