Why?

Why did you rape me? Why did you kill me? Why did I wake up again? Why did my heart start beating again? Why did you hurt me? When I was only 2 or 3 years old? I feel so sorry. I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I should have been a better child and given you more. I am confused. I am scared. I suffered 18 years of a difficult time at home. And the problem was: My parents didn’t even know. They didn’t even realise what was going on. They didn’t even realise they were wrong. They thought they were good and doing what God wants. I thought they were good and it was all my fault. Until recently, a few months ago. I escaped from home when I was 18 and half years old. I realised that what they were doing was wrong. And oh God, it was such a shock. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I now have a flat and am visiting a clinic. (I escaped from my dad and my step mum, they were the ones who thought that what they were doing was good but that’s another story) But I still feel terribly alone. All these memories come up. They won’t leave me alone. I see my real mom and my moms boyfriend in front of me. I shake in my whole body. Every day I have panick attacks. Every single second I feel like my heart will stop beating. I feel intense pain. Which makes me tired of life. It makes me wanna die. But I will continue to fight although it is hard to see hope when all I feel is fear and pain. I feel terrified. When I was 2 my moms boyfriend raped me. But before that I also had pain. When I was only a baby, my dad left my mom for another woman. This woman became my step mum. My mom became so angry. She was filled with anger and hate because she was left alone with me. Well she, on the one hand, didn’t even want me anymore. She thought: What’s the point of having me? Now that my father has left. When I was a young child, I remember my mom getting angry. She would hit me. She would say, what is wrong with me? And why can’t I be a normal child. She would scream at me quite a bit sometimes. She just didn’t want me, I was too much for her. That was one side of her. One side of her just couldn’t stand me. She would get so angry and have rage outbreaks. In that moment I became so scared and felt so helpless. I cried to try and show her she was hurting me. But this also was too much for her. She would hit me for crying. She said: I cannot stand your crying. We lived together in England till I was almost 4 years old. During that period she would sometimes leave the house and her boyfriend would sometimes babysit me. He was really nice and friendly and played so nicely with me. I loved him with all my heart. But then, for some reason, it was as if he switched his personality. He became so angry at me. He raped me. He said it was my fault and that I deserved this. He wanted to kill me. He said he was now going to kill me and there would be no way out. He said I wouldn’t be able to run. He said my mom wasn’t here to protect me and I was now going to pay for what I had done. He said that he had suffered all his life and that now his was gonna take revenge on me. He laughed in this strange way and said my “poor” mom would be heartbroken. Oh it hurts so bad cause these memories won’t go away. I am remembering more and more and can’t switch the memories off. My mum just looked away. She didn’t even realise that her child was being hurt by this guy. Even though she saw him bathing with me in the bath and walking around in underpants when she came home. He said I should keep it a secret what happened. He said it would be our secret. But somehow he didn’t manage to kill me. My mom moved away from england with me when I was almost 4 (and this boyfriend had left her by then) into another country. I lived alone with her for a while. She would talk to me about her problems, tell me how she hated my dad and she would want my help. I tried everything to help her. She would have panick attacks and I would hold her in my arms. But then suddenly it would seem like she would switch personalities and she would say: Stop touching me! What is wrong with you my child! My child you are perverse! She would scream around, throw things around, she ripped up one of my precious drawings from kindergarten. She hit me. She said it was my fault. She said I had provoked her because she had a headache and I just wouldn’t stop crying. I felt so guilty. Anyway I am sorry if I disturbed you with this story. I have now escaped home. But I just feel so much pain inside, feel so worthless, feel so ugly. I have panick attacks non stop. I just wanna die. But still haven’t given up. But I feel like I am a huge burden and that the world would be better off without me. Anyway I think if I try hard to heal then maybe I can make it and maybe it will get better. I am only 19 years old. Maybe there is still hope for me. Maybe I can change my life now that I have managed to escape home. I am so scared I won’t make it and I feel like I am gonna die. But maybe I will survive. I am doing everything I can to survive.