I have been MIA for awhile, had to deal with all the crap in my life. And to be honest I’m numb so numb that I wonder if the pain was honestly so bad that I had to shut it off like this. Other times I question whether I ever truly cared in the first place. I loved this guy once and he broke my heart and soul TWICE. And I feel nothing, absolutely nothing at all not even a little something. I look at him, I’ve kissed him again just to see how it would make me feel. And yet there is nothing I feel nothing, in fact lately I feel disgust and sympathy about him. But there is no love, and I’m no longer depressed about life or it being pointless. I still think life is pointless that money is pointless that love doesn’t exists that humanity is shit. I simply don’t feel things anymore and I wonder why. Lately I’ve had flash backs of old memories and it’s like I relive them for a little while. I look at my life now and I’m just like this is so different than what I wanted. I used to cut haven’t in months but for some odd reason my scars are standing out lately. It all just sucks I want to feel again I want a good life that’s all.
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2 comments
People can do a lot of things to you, but when they play with your trust that’s usually something that they can’t fix. If you feel like that about that guy you love it’s because he just crossed the boundaries of what you can accept from a person, and that’s perfectly normal, he didn’t exactly earn your trust and love from what you say.
I don’t think numbness is so bad but i might be wrong there. I go from numbness and not caring and back to the pain often. I sure prefer the numbness, because in that state at least i can function (in some rustic/basic form), and i see it as a tiny chance to get back on my feet again (as optimisticly stupid as that sounds).
And well… life is never what we want (or rarely). At times i wonder if making plans or hoping into the future is just a disaster waiting to happen. But from way you say i think you’ll start feeling again when you are ready for it and circumstances lead you into it. You sound like you are doing better than before too, so that’s good :). Hope everything works out in the end and you end up finding that good life that you seek.
Life sucks. been there done that.