I’m so tired. Just tired of all this crap lately. First off, I was starving myself yesterday and the day before- an attempt to diet because I’m fucking gross. I want all of my fat gone. All of it. I hate myself. I’m a gross, fat, ugly waste of space. I hate myself so damn much. You know what I’m really, really, really craving, though? Sweet release. Last week (I think), my blade was taken away, and I haven’t been able to cut. Cutting was my little escape. All the cuts on my arm are fading away, and I’m getting anxious about that, for some reason. I want my blade back. Also, to ruin the whole damn rest of this shit day, my dad yelled at me and my younger siblings, one being 11 and the other is 4 years old. My mom is really the only one that cares and knows what’s going on, so it’s hard when my completely clueless father starts yelling and cursing at me and my siblings without knowing what’s going on and without my mother present. He tells us that we’re lazy worthless kids who don’t do shit around the house, and then, when he finishes with us, he starts to tell us that my mom doesn’t do shit either, and that’s probably where we get it from. Watch, tonight, when he comes home, he’ll be sorry for the crap that he said, and take my little sister and brother to the dollar store to buy their silence towards my mom. My little siblings are still going to worship my dad, though. But not me. Fuck no. I’m not going to suddenly forget that my dad called my whole family worthless and lazy. Fuck him. You know what, dad? You can go celebrate when I kill myself because then, you’ll have one less worthless, lazy, dumb child to worry about, asshole. Dad, hopefully, when I’m gone, instead of yelling at your children about how we are a failure and it’s our mom’s fault, how about you keep it and deal with it yourself, like how I’ve been dealing with your shit. Geez. My dad doesn’t know what its like to cut, to starve, to make yourslef throw up, to hate every part of yourself, and to want to fucking end it all by yourself. If he knew, he wouldn’t give me shit about anything anymore. So let me solve my and your problems, dad. Okay? Let me just kill myself because we both agreed that I’m a waste of space. SPers, sorry it could’ve been two whole posts, but I needed to let it all out.
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will you do something for me?
start to write this text all over again, but then the opposite of it, begin with that…
I’ll be completely honest with you here. The fact that you’re on this site writing this and not just asking for tips, shows me you want to live, but the problem is your searching reasons to live for, your father etc… they wont give you a reason, at least not a permanent one, if you live, you have to do it for yourself, every single person lives for themselves, and it’s selfish to think someone else will give you a reason to live (which isn’t meant offensive because everyone does it, everyone starts out of themselves) and actually knowing that meant a way out for me, I wasn’t able to live for myself because I had none own-value, but I started to sum up every good part about me, in the beginning it only was I’m a good listener and I have special eyes… that is one thing, I also lost my best friend to suicide, I was in that church and then watched how many people actually were there and cared, it woke me a bit up, it takes a lot energy of people to show that every-time, especially when the person denies it herself, start appreciating and opening your eyes for things like that, at first they are really hard to notice, that’s true… BUT IT ALL STARTS WITH VOLITION, the will to get out of it this way. also I started living by the next quote, which is still not simple, cause it’s not simple to receive nothing in return, in the beginning it feels good but in a friendship you do expect that, be careful with this one, choose the good mates, they may not give a lot in return but whenever you really need them, you know they will be there, and they are trustful to you, and it’s you that plays a part in getting that kind of friendship.. okay here’s the quote: blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting, blessed are those who can give without expectations to get something back. living without expectations is the thing I get back to every time, because it makes you focus on giving and not on receiving in life, and very few people make this work. Start doing things for yourself as going running, may suck at first, but movement keeps you out of your mind (you have four body-parts: energetic, mental, emotional and physical), in this society we are put to much in the cognitive one which makes a bad balance. Or do yoga, tai chi, going for a walk enjoying nature… anything that fits you. (strange me but I really love dancing in the rain, just letting go, and I can’t even dance that well, but I just benefit by it and that’s the most important thing, you have to learn to give to yourself instead of expecting from others to give). I also draw without thinking (my mom actually found one and wanted me to collect them, that’s how we started having a relationship again, starting to talk again). And please, talk with your dad, communication is hard but very needed, and do not talk accusing to him, talk out of yourself, I feel this, I feel that, It hurts ME when you do that… sum up facts, and make sure you have multiple examples to state what your saying, and if it doesn’t work head to head, ask an other person to sit with it for example HIS father or mother or your mother.. oh and actually I don’t really live for myself, I still live for others but by that quote, learning to give without expecting, I take actions for the little nature that is left in this world and giving is also implemented in my work, but not everyone is able to do this, yes I know I’m quite bad in writing because there is always so much in my mind I want to talk about, just ask you know… and courage, you’ll get there 🙂