Zoned Out

I’ve started on an antipsychotic to tone down my high anxiety levels, but they make me feel so sleepy and sedated I can’t do anything but sleep. This is probably a good thing because its a nice blackout from reality, but it means I have more moments in the day where I ‘wake up’, and waking up is the worst. I feel so low all the time; my family keep thinking i’m ‘making progress’ but I still feel exactly the same about everything. I still think about how I need that final end, that there isnt any other option for me. I’m only doing these treatments because I don’t want to hurt my dad, but I don’t want to get help. To be honest I just don’t want to keep trying, keep pushing – especially for other people – any more. I’ve had my heart broken so badly this time I really feel I can’t even begin to accept it let alone move on. I’m tired of talking to med people and saying the same things over and over. I’m supposed to be getting advice and techniques but instead I get some guy just listening for his allotted hour. I’m a burden to my family. I just want this all to be over now. I dont think I’m meant to have an easy or an enjoyable life, and knowing that just makes me want to end my suffering now instead of looking into this dark. empty future and feeling exhausted.