I lay in bed feeling lonely…my days go by feeling lonely…I’m surrounded my people that ‘care’ for me and ‘love’ me- yet I still feel lonely…I’ve just realised how fast years go by when you feel empty.
I have so much to give and I try so hard yet no one shows as much back! As hard as I try it’s never good enough, never a nice word of encouragement but words of hurt and degradation are out on me. I try and try…but nothing- it’s all loneliness, emptiness and worthless!
That time will come when I’ve had enough and I end all the pain and suffering! How much longer can I hold on! I’ve been holding on 6 years now….I promised myself that I would only last till I’m 21 but life seemed to have that little bit of sunshine and now it’s all gone as I knew it would be…life will always be crap!!
I became a Christian yet I still feel empty no fufillment- I know He loves me- but I long for human affection, something I never got from any of my family! I find in knowing that if I do end my life I will the suffering in this world and might have a chance to be with God in a place of happiness!
How I long just find someone who will accept me for who I am, who won’t put me down and will truly be there for me when they say they would be!
4 comments
The last place you’d ever look is where you are sure to find them, and as stupid as it sounds, it just might work out that way for you. It sure has for me.
I say this to everyone, but it will always ring true – you are Number One and as such need to prioritise your own well being over that of others. I have no doubt that you have only the world to offer (that’s truly amazing) but ensure that you reflect this upon yourself in the meantime – until (hopefully…) you find someone worthy of investing your all into.
Be content in knowing you have these feelings on board and so much to offer others, but also stay aware that you need to look after yourself (and prepare nonetheless) before you show this love to anyone else. Best of luck to you.
I just turned 35 on May 22nd…and I continue to struggle with sentiments like your own, I spent my birthday alone in bed. I too feel like I am on “High Output” but the return is usually very small if at all. I always seem to think of others and they never seem to think much of me. Small gestures of caring and such just come naturally to me…Things will look up in time. These things are what I’ve noticed you must be mindful of for any semi permanence/permanence of the upswing. 1.) Learn to be content with even small signs of positive changes even if the effort for it was/is “large” *Sometimes I’m proud of myself for showering, styling my hair, and making it into a coordinated outfit w/ earrings. VS a robe/rat’s nest hair and not even a face wash 2.) Stop comparing your lot with those who haven’t overcome or deal w/ obstacles like yours. *Most people my age are married with children. I haven’t even had a boyfriend in 2-3 years. 3.) And I say this because you mentioned being an active Christian….I am inactive but still mindful: ***Make it a matter of prayer explicitely that you long for contentment, companionship and fulfillment, ask for Him to soothe your heart & give you peace until such time that you have become fullfilled. Abraham was Gods friend and you can develop the same closeness too. When we have good friends, we share everything on our heart with them even knowing they can’t “change/fix” any of it…Your friend in God is much different though 🙂 I hope you feel a little better. I tried. 🙂
I have found time does go by kind of quickly but not quickly enough. Yeah I am a a Christian too and my hope is to be with God after this life of pain and misery.
I used to believe unwaveringly, but if He loves me, as they tell me, why do I feel so alone? I don’t know. I think that’s why so many of us end up here. It doesn’t matter how many people love or care about you, how strong your faith is, if you feel so alone. One of my favorite quotes:
“Are you angry? Punch a pillow. Was it satisfying? Not hardly. These days people are too angry for punching. What you might try is stabbing. Take an old pillow and lay it on the front lawn. Stab it with a big pointy knife. Again and again and again. Stab hard enough for the point of the knife to go into the ground. Stab until the pillow is gone and you are just stabbing the earth again and again, as if you want to kill it for continuing to spin, as if you are getting revenge for having to live on this planet day after day, alone.” ( No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July )