I’m sorry to all of you who feel obliged to answer to me because I’m a little whiny ***** who thinks she has problems when in reality other people who have had horrible things happen to them wish they could be in my position. I’m pathetic, and it’s about time you all realized that.
You know what is the most horrible facet to my personality, besides the billion other things? That I look for problems in my life so I can gripe about them. I will randomly be arrogant toward someone in my family just so I an hear them call me names. I love it when they yell at me. That way I at least know they aren’t bullshitting me with comments that they don’t mean. I love it when someone calls me names because inside I’m agreeing with them. It makes me happy, almost.
It’s gotten to the point where I can barely get out of bed every day. I just want to lay there and nobody bother me, nobody yelling at me to clean something, nobody yelling at me to stop being so mopey. The sheer beauty of death seems to entice me more and more every day. I can’t even listen to music, because I tell myself that I have horrible taste and that what I’m listening to is stupid because I picked it. Death; It looks so beautiful and comforting. The one thing stopping me now is that I have found a thing I enjoy doing: writing. But, I shouldn’t bother with this because my parents said that a career as a writer is a insipid idea, and that I cannot pursue it. Well, dream ended quickly. It was fun while it lasted.
You all stay strong and beautiful and resilient, and don’t mind the insipid girl who can’t seem to stop complaining. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Peaches
5 comments
I can’t figure out whether you’re joking or serious – but I think I get what you mean about people telling you the truth. I kind of feel the same way, I prefer a person who’s openly a jerk to somebody who pretends to be nice on the surface while secretly stabbing you in the back. At least I know what I’m dealing with. Can’t say I personally enjoy being ‘yelled at’, but I too have provoked somebody until they say what they’re really feeling rather than just BSing me over and over because they’re afraid of ‘hurting my feewings’.
It’s hard when you feel like you’re meant for something ‘better’, and yet life seems just full of stupid, boring people and stupid, boring things that eat up all your time and energy.
To heck with what your parents say about writing, they’re just jealous. They probably have some boring, dull job and wish _they_ could do something cool like writing. They’re just trying to keep you from spreaing your wings and flying. It sucks, but lots of parents are this way, if not most. They pretend to care, but really they hate it if you have a better deal than they had when they were a kid. But if your parents are really cool and I’m totally wrong, then just ignore what I said.
As far as writing: You have access to a computer, so write. Write and write – write a blog, write letters. Write whatever you feel like. Google for places to submit your writing and start submitting it. The best way to learn is to have people critiquing your work.
Your comment about your music taste being stupid sounds like that Groucho Marx quote that goes, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”
I don’t know if you’ll think this is a bullsh*t comment, but usually we learn to be that harsh on ourselves because we grew up with people who are that harsh on us. Usually our parents. It sounds like you’re pretty good at standing up to them, but their negative messages are still getting through.
Maybe you’re better than they (and you?) think you are. Maybe you’re really smart, and smart people can be lazy because they don’t have to work as hard as others. They watch other people struggle to figure out the simplest things, and they feel all smug and superior. They also get sick of being surrounded by stupid people.
The only solution to this is to find people who are really smart to hang out with. And I mean in real life, not online. Find people who totally blow you away with how smart they are, and hang out with them as much as you can. Life will suddenly seem a lot less stupid and boring when you’re around people who challenge your mind, who ‘get’ you, who think like you in some way.
And if I’m totally wrong and out in left field here, then, like I said before, just ignore any part of what I said that feels wrong to you.
And please feel free to write back and straighten me out about whatever I’ve misunderstood.
If you’re pathetic, so am I.
I suppose having people angry at you is better than being ignored by them. It’s attention, right? I don’t know. But I’ve done the same thing in the past, to the point where the person in question attacked me, just for me to feel more like a victim, to feel more justified in my behaviour. It may have been I was already justified enough, but I wanted to make it worse for myself.
You’re a very good writer by the look of it. Even this letter, it flows well, and portrays things that not everyone can express. To say you can’t be a writer, that it’s insipid or wasteful, is completely untrue. Try telling them how successful authors can be? And if it’s a matter of them thinking it being a pipe dream, all you can do is prove them wrong. I’m a writer also, as well as musician, and although I only do it for my own enjoyment at this moment, I would never let anybody take it away from me. I’d be interested to read anything you wrote.
Your worries are as important as anyone elses. Sometimes when you write them down on paper they seem small, but it’s always more complicated than that.
Pulling the plug really knows what they’re talking about. There isn’t a single piece of advice that doesn’t entirely make sense. If anyone is worth listening to, it’s them.
Just, promise you won’t stop complaining, alright?
thank you both so much. your comments were on point, and i have taken your advice to heart. thank you once again
Sincerely,
Cassidy (Peaches is obviously not my real name)
Hey Cassidy,
Everybody is responsible for the way the world treats them, including you and I. The world is a reflection of yourself. If you believe that people are out to get you, or out to pick holes in you then you can bet your bottom dollar that they will. What you need to do is to change your paradigm (the way that you look at things). Which is more effective: “Everyone is helpful”, or “Everybody is out to get me?”
There is some good in everyone no matter what position they are in society. The great spiritual masters like Buddha and Jesus Christ taught us to have an attitude of gratitude and to focus on things that we need to be thankful for, because there is always going to be someone whose got it worse than us. Try this exercise: every day keep a diary of things that you are glad to have in your life. You could start a blog on a networking site or use opendiary.com where you can share these thoughts with either your friends or with the general public.
Life will change and improve for you when you change. But it’s up to you to make them. Good luck to you! 🙂
cassidy,
Just for the record, I’d like to offer an opposing view to what the commenter above said.
In my opinion? People are absolutely _not_ responsible for how others treat them. This kind of thinking can become just another way to ‘blame the victim’. It can end up making you feel worse about yourself when you _already_ feel bad enough. It’s the kind of so-called ‘helpful advice’ that can sometimes push already suicidal people over the edge.
It’s called guilt tripping. It’s also the kind of behavior that’s behind the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Often people who give advice are thinking about _themselves_ and their own experiences, and are totally oblivious to the reality of the person they’re supposedly advising. (And that includes me, so if anything I say doesn’t feel or sound right to you, question it, ok? Or ignore it. Or argue with it. I can take it. “Take what you need and leave the rest.” Seriously, you are under _no_ obligation to listen to people just because they claim to be trying to ‘help’ you. Some of the most poisonous, toxic behaviors in the world are disguised as ‘help’.) /end of rant
Back to the point:
Is a newborn baby responsible for getting beaten or yelled at or generally treated badly?
No.
Is a small child responsible for getting abused by an alcholic parent?
No.
When we are big enough and strong enough to fend for ourselves, _then_, and only then, can we begin to make our own choices.
As long as we are dependent on people who are bigger or stronger or in some way more powerful than we are (such as being able to earn the money to buy the food we eat or pay for the house we live in or get clothing for us to wear, things that most children can’t do for themselves), _they_ are responsible for how they treat us. It’s a power issue.
And even when we begin to develop some amount of independence, if we grew up with mean people who made us feel bad about ourselves, we can still carry those messages around in our heads and hearts. There are many, many studies about the long term destructive effects of emotional abuse and bullying.
Being treated badly by those who claim to love you has far reaching, deep, long-lasting and powerful effects. The only way those effects are ever _really_ changed is by being treated well by somebody.
‘Positive thinking’ doesn’t work. It’s like putting wallpaper over a rotten wall. It may temporarily hide the rot, but it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes you forget about it for a little while. Which is no better than drinking or gambling or shopping or any other way of masking the pain.
The only _real_ way to heal from emotional abuse is to be in non-abusive, mutually respectful relationships. Period.
All that said, it _can_ be a habit to focus on the negative to the exclusion of the positive. And trying to notice the ‘good’ things and focus on them as much as you can _does_ help, a bit.
But it’s like someone once said about abusive relationships being like a roomful of horseshit with a bar of gold buried in it somewhere: You can end up spending all your energy looking for that bar of gold, while totally missing the fact that a _better_ idea would be to simply walk away from that room full of sh*t. And look for a nice clean room where the bar of gold is just sitting there on a nice clean table in full view. Or something. Not very elegant image, sorry. But I imagine you get the general idea.