Right now, I am scrolled away in my spare bedroom upstairs.  It can get claustrophobic up here as it is a converted attic with only a small skylight for a window.  I have been up here for two days avoiding my boyfriend…. avoiding the world, really.
I am a 50 year old female with too much loss in my life and have reached a point where I just don’t want to go on. Â I am sure I don’t have the worst story out there, but for me, its been far too taxing.
In 2003, I buried my only daughter (9 years old) from a tragic car accident.  She was visiting her father (my first husband) for Christmas vacation, when he fell asleep at the wheel and killed everyone in the car.  A year later, my mother died and a few years after that, my father died a brutal death from lung cancer.  Three years after that (in 2011) I lost a 12 year marriage to my best friend …. a man that I still miss to this day.  In May of 2012, I attempted to kill myself with a very large overdose of Klonopin.  After some treatment, a month later, I returned to work only to face an eventual layoff.  And now, another non profit job later and another layoff  (in March of 2014), I find myself sitting… just sitting… too weak to move… no confidence in myself anymore.  I was moving in circles right after this last layoff, but now, I don’t move at all.
I can’t cry.  I can’t feel anything but just the desire to end this nightmare that has been called my life.  I took in my boyfriend a year ago.  He was (and still is) dealing with chronic pain and had no place to call home.  I love him.  I do.  I just am dealing with too much to take care of him.  He used to be a successful pastor and then because of some things that happened with his conference, he resigned. Now, he is having trouble finding work and I am sick of supporting him.  I have done it for a year and I am so tired of it.
I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and just don’t feel that I am getting all the help I need. Â I need to come out of this room and face my boyfriend. Â I have told him for a year solid that I am in no position to cover his living expenses. Â He hears me, but nothing ever changes.
Life has weakened me.  Has beat me up.  I just don’t have the strength to throw him out.  I don’t have the strength to pack my things and leave.  I don’t have the strength to do anything anymore.  Because of all of the jobs I have had over the years, my resume looks like a joke.  I have no longevity anywhere at all.  It is humiliating.  I have had a lot of trouble holding jobs… quitting due to bad work places, layoffs and just not being able to keep up… especially in those early years after I lost my daughter.
I am all out of anything I need to keep going. Â I don’t believe my boyfriend is my problem. Â I believe that I never found my inner peace… and now I just don’t feel any hope at all. Â None. Â This is more than just sadness…. or meds not working right. Â I genuinely believe that my life is over and that I need to find the courage to end it. Â This is just all too overwhelming. Â It seems I have nowhere to turn.
2 comments
Your life has a purpose. You were meant to be in this world. If your daughter was here today, do you think that she would want you to leave this world? To give up…? You CAN change your future. Keep trying to get a job. Submit your resume everywhere you can. Persistance will pay off. Remember that without sadness, there wouldn’t be happiness. There will be better days ahead. I truly wish you the best! (: Keep moving forward.
Reading your story, I felt ashamed. I’m here feeling hopeless and tired of everything. I’ve been bullied in my workplace for the last 6 years and it literally drove me crazy. I have always had a difficult time dealing with people but never to this extend. I just hate them most of the time and I’m far from being a teenager. I discovered my son’s father has the empathy and the ethics of a pshycopath, my childhood and teenage years were a nightmare with sexual abuse, absent selfish father, depressed mother, etc. But I have my son and (still) have a job. My son is a beautiful child. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I lost him. Probably that would push me from the edge, if you know what I mean. You’ve been through so much in so little time. I want you to know you are a strong person. I really hope you find this strength in you to go on, to honor your child’s memory. Don’t give up. For you and for her. As for your boyfriend, probably you know the answer to this. You wrote: “I believe that I never found my inner peace”. Thing is: can you do this (find your inner peace) with him around or not? Do you want him around? Anyway, don’t be ashamed to think of you first, dear. You’ve been through really hard times. You deserve to focus on yourself and on your inner peace. You reminded me I have to look for mine as well. Just don’t know where to start.