hopelessly inlove

ive been madly inlove with this boy for over a year now, we dated for 9 months, before i ruined everything. my parents were fighting so bad and it just seemed that since i thought they hated me, i thought everyone else did to, including my boyfriend at the time. it was summer, i would wear jumpers constantly. n one knew about my self harming, no one knew about the drug use. i hid it so well over a period of 9 months. my problems got so bad, that i was constantly partying, constantly doing drugs, id come to school hungover, id push him away. i didnt realise who i was sleeping with at a party, until i woke up next to his bestfriend, who spiked my drink and caused me to pass out. i had to confess to my boyfriend, and things just got worse and it turned physical.a week later i found out i was pregnant, with my boyfriends baby, i had to tell him and he threated to kill me. he hit me over and over, he caused me to be half unconsious, and he raped me. i went for a regularr check up at my gp, and found out i was micarried. i fell into a deeper depression. i stopped talking for weeks. i hospitalized myself by overdosing and going a week and a half without food. i almost died, i wish i did. it comes to the point now, where him and i are in contact, hanging out even, i tell him i love him, he says it back, but i know he doesnt. i miss every bit of him. im trying to get him back, but its not as easy with my insecuritys and him having so many pretty girls wanting him.
ive been contemplating suicide again, ive overdosed, slit my wrists and throat even, but nothing had seemed to work. ideas maybe?