It’s hard to stare at a blank page, feeling so much inside but not being able to put any of it into words, or answer why it happens. In Psychology, they say Free Association is a way to examine the unconscious, where you say whatever comes to mind, but what if you can’t put anything in to words? I’ve never been much of a writer because how could I be one when words fail me so often. I’m in a different universe than everyone else, no one understand what I’m trying to convey and I can’t speak the language to get it across myself.  It’s like explaining colors to a blind person, except I am the blind person and everyone around me shares this hidden language that I can’t understand no matter how hard I try; I’m incapable. It’s not easy for me to talk to people, connect with others, make friendships. Everybody hates me and is out to get me, especially other girls, except I don’t know if it’s just in my head or not. How am I suppose to go to college where nobody understands. I’m going to have a roommate so I can’t just lock myself up in my room and lay in bed in a comatose state for hours on end. They won’t accept my silence, my weirdness, how I am like my friends here do. What’s the point of living, being successful in life, going to college if you have no one to share it with? Honestly, the only cure to a loneliness like this is finding a relationship, but am I doomed to feel like this forever considering I don’t want to find “someone special?” Am I destined to kill myself, will all of these conflicting thoughts drive me to slit my veins because there are no solutions, no ways out? And what if I don’t want anything to do with this fucked up society. You’re all two faced. I feel like I’m the only straight up person here, for example, my teacher got engaged and when she left the room my class was like who would want to marry her, gross, and then she comes back in the room and they’re asking her details and looking at her ring. Why would anyone want to be a part of such a shitty way of life, where beauty, thinness, and money are everything? Where it’s acceptable to piss people off for your own entertainment, where it’s okay to be so fucking two faced. How are you suppose to trust anyone in a world like that?
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This world is messed up. You’re right. Most people are two-faced. You are one of the few who have a truthful perception of the sad world we live in. However, there are good, trustworthy people out there who genuinely care about others, who won’t lie to your face and stab you in the back every chance they get. I promise. You’re not alone. You aren’t destined to kill yourself either. You’re studying psychology. With that knowledge, you have to ability to heal and save hundreds of lives of people who are struggling just like you are. For your writing, try writing down how you’re feeling, and then what’s making you feel like that, and then why so. Then, maybe you can put your thoughts into sentences and your sentences into paragraphs. It is hard sometimes to put your thoughts and feelings into words, but if you can manage to do this, it will help you tremendously. Keep your head up. If you need to talk, you can email me at Wilkerson427 at live dot com.