Water

I am breathing, but barely. Life was, “O-K”, for a while. And then…And then my life nosedived. My mental state went from being stable to barreling into the Mariana’s Trench. I ate, but the food had no taste. I drank, but nothing was cool enough. I saw but everything was in grayscale. I felt nothing. Not the wind in my face, nor the heat of the bath. I felt my heartbeat in my chest as if it were a taunting reminder of the cord that holds me to life.

Moving on in the night, I once gained a sense of comfort from cleaning; and so I did. I went from the kitchen to the living room; moving on from the bedroom to the bathroom. I poured bleach into the tub but I poured too much. It was an honest mistake…or was it? Bleach is deadly if inhaled without being diluted. I began choking and gasping for air that wasn’t heavy with fumes. Blackout…

I guess the air filtered because I woke up what felt like ages later. My chest burns and it’s still a little difficult to breathe. I smell only bleach and find that I can’t concentrate well. Apparently it wasn’t enough…Even when I was gasping for fresh air, I never found myself wishing to live. I found myself being overcome with happiness at the distinct and all too real possibility of dying. I cried. I am crying. To have been so close and yet so far away from getting the only thing I’ve ever wished for. I didn’t spill too much bleach on purpose, but now I know what it is like to dance with death. The pain is minimal compared to what I face on a daily basis.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Why give me a taste of death, the one thing I want, only to have it taken away? Is it a cruel joke? Or motivation? A taunting? “Come on! You can do it! It’s not that bad!” I hear the sayings in my ear…I don’t know who I want to listen to but I know what I felt. Death is on the horizon and it’s keen sting is not as bad as it would seem.