Hi all
I’ve been debiliated by a very strong fear of people for years that got worse and worse and worse, this severe social phobia then caused depression, then panic attacks and agoraphobia. I’m now 24 and have nothing at all going for me. I can’t see any way out of my situation- yes depression plays a part in this, but my social phobia leaves me pretty much a selective mute who has been largely housebound for 5 years. I couldn’t finish education, I couldn’t work, I now have literally nothing on my CV, and even if my social phobia magically went away and I didn’t become physically paralysed and dissociative around people this makes for a really tough situation to get out of. I make a bit of money making and selling things online but as you can imagine it’s nowhere near enough to support myself. No one really knows what to do to help, I’ve tried to battle the social phobia for so long but it still is agonising for me to go outside enough to take the bins out.
I’ve been drowned in shame for so long as so few people really understand these conditions and of course there’s the continuous blaming of the unemployed for everything which means people who have real problems that they need help with just get looked down on.
My family have tried but don’t know what to do for me anymore. My other two siblings are doing very well and I feel like the embarassment they have to hide from everyone. My relationship with them (especially my Mum) has never been great, as she is completely dependent on my dad and very manipulative and demanding. I know her own neuroses have affected me (and all of our family) but she would never see that she needs help herself.
The only person I can be around is my boyfriend, (yes I have no idea how I have a partner either) but as you can imagine my problems have destroyed our relationship. He loves me but has tried everything and effectively had to give up.
Basically the only times I get out are for appointments or occasionally to the post office (with hours of mental preparation). I live with my boyfriend.
Of course I want to be well and couldn’t imagine hurting my boyfriend and family by ending my life, but I can’t see any other options. I do currently have support from mental health services that I engage with the best I can but I never feel that understood. Panic attacks and agoraphobia make it incredibily hard getting to and from appointments too and I’ve lost count of how many panic attacks I’ve had in the waiting room… every panic attack I have is so physically distressing and mentally devastating that I feel I’d rather die than other another one.. but I have them again and again and again… I always have very strange and scary racing thoughts that feel completely true and damning at the time of the panic attack and I get feelings of partial paralysis that makes it so hard for me to move or smile, the paralysis is very real at the time so getting out of the situation that causes panic is impossible too.
If I even get near a person (aside from my boyfriend) I feel like I’m going over the edge with panic and am totally out of control of my body and mind.
I just don’t know what to do.
5 comments
So sorry to hear this coldblooded. I have no advice to offer really, though I too am unemployed (and probably unemployable at this point)…I understand how helpless you must feel. Society looks down on us too, as if we didn’t have troubles enough. My brother and cousins are all successful and functioning, so I understand how it is to feel like the black sheep. Anyway, just letting you know I read it, and I get it. Oh and you make and sell things online? Good for you, I live off taxpayers’ money and don’t earn a dime lol!
Hi Seppuku, thanks a lot for your message, sorry to hear you are really struggling too.
I just wish there was more space for transparency about these problems, and people would actually acknowledge them more. It’s nearly impossible trying to get well when most people won’t even acknowledge your conditions as real and there are so few options for treatment. I think stigma can become as big a problem as the condition itself- it hinders change and improvement.
I’ve gone to job interviews in my condition (despite obviously not being fit to and not having a chance) it was agony just getting to the buildings. I dissociate and always have a panic attack in the interview so I can’t even speak or look at them and they usually stare at me like they’re witnessing a car crash.
Don’t put yourself down- I don’t know what you’re dealing with but depression alone is incredibly debilitating. I hope you get some help x
Good luck 🙂
It’s funny how people always manage to gloss over the positive aspects of their story. Some of us suffer anxiety, don’t want to leave the house, don’t have anyone who understands, and don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend either. But someone who does, in the process of telling their story, will just slide right over that detail, “oh yeah I have a boyfriend but that’s not going great either, anyways…”
I don’t mean that to sound super harsh, more humorous than anything. It’s just coming from someone who deals with anxiety, spends 99.9% of time alone in their apartment, only leaves to go get something to eat or when there is a necessary errand to run (also with long stretches of mental preparation before being able to leave the house), and having a boyfriend (or in my case girlfriend) doesn’t seem like some minor detail just worth glossing over. If I had even one person who cared for me like that, my life would go from a 1/10 to a 9/10.
Just ironic how some people’s glossed over details would be a treasure to someone else. “One man’s trash…” as they say.
The rest of your story I can totally relate to, which is why I find the one difference hard to avoid. I am in the same age range, I too have mostly lived in this apartment for 4 years, I stopped working years ago because of the anxiety it produced in me so now I have a resume with huge gap in my work history. I too have siblings who are doing perfectly well, one just bought a house and is preparing to have kids, meanwhile I am over 25 and still needing help paying for some things.
Are you on medication? I doubt extreme agoraphobia and other conditions can ever really be cured just by having access to mental health professionals, especially when as you said, going to the appointments is just one more thing that triggers your anxiety. You probably need to be taking something.
Sorry, I’m coming across like a jerk, but I can’t get that one asterisk out of my mind. You do have someone. Would you enjoy your condition any more if you lived absolutely alone? You have a bright spot in your life that others don’t have. I’m not saying depression is a competition or that your problems aren’t worth being upset about, but they tend to say the more gratitude we can muster for the things we do have, the better the rest of our lives will turn out to be. Having a significant other who you currently live with is no small thing to mention in parentheses. If anything that should provide motivation to want to get better if you are aware that your condition is putting a strain on the relationship. It’s hard to care about getting better when all you have in your life is 4 walls around you. It doesn’t matter what shape your life is in when there is nobody to share it with. You have somebody. Maybe you need to focus on what’s good and start making the bad parts of your life the things that you quickly mention like they’re not really what’s important.
I don’t think it’s a small thing at all, it is the one very good thing in my life and I’m sorry if it came across that way “Thousand Cuts”. I am incredibly lucky for that and I’m sorry if it looked like I was glossing over it. I was cautious that I might be attacked for writing that I was in a relationship and told that this means I was actually fine or something.
I’m glad you’re not saying that my situation is not something to be upset about because that would just be ridiculous and untrue.
The last comment about “focusing on the good and casually mentioning the bad” didn’t really make sense to me. I’m not able to mention anything in my life to anyone else apart from on a forum, because of my mental health problems. I am struggling a lot, and I came
here to express that. I have been prescribed over 15 medications since I started getting treatment at age 15 and aftergoing through hell with most of these (akathisia, oculargyrocrisis, hallucinations to name a few) and never noticing any improvements I refused to be pushed into taking medication again as I knew it was bad for me personally.
Take care
But… “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?!”
Obviously we’re all dealing with our own problems here but if you feel you might be coming across as a bit of a jerk, maybe tone it down a bit. I do everything within my means (which obviously is not enough) for my boyfriend who I love very much, and of course I am entirely responsible (though not deliberately) for how much he’s struggling with this… so saying something like that, especially when I express terror that the relationship will end soon is cruel.