It’s all funny because.. I’m so tired I’m probably delirious, right? And that’s what makes everything seem like such a big joke. And I’m sleepy tired, I’m emotionally tired, and I’m mentally tired. I’m tired of walking on the road of *life*, walking down one path until it splits between a good path and a vile one and I always take the latter. It’s not like I can even choose, it just happens. A friend of mine said he never believed in fate, and I whole heartedly agree. But I also so strongly disagree. Life is something you have control over. You make the desicion to be happy, believe it or not. That’s funny too, right? It makes no sense but it does! You can be happy if you tell yourself you’re happy. Just like scientists have proven that even faking a smile can lift your mood, telling yourself you’re happy can make you feel just the same. You, as a person, really have the final say in what makes you upset and what doesn’t. You can let things get to you or you can let them go…
My therapist told me to ‘fake it till I make it’, meaning that if I act happy and not like I’m going to hurt myself, I’ll eventually realize it’s a habit and fall into it. She compared this to a baseball player in little league. He doesn’t know how to correctly hold the bat, but he learns a certain way to hold it. It may not feel right for him, but if he keeps *practicing* using that technique, he’ll get better at it and it’ll become a habit. Just like my fake happiness. If I keep smiling and putting down the razor and avoiding suicidal thoughts then it should become habit for me, right? Ultimately, I find it to be a good logic and it’s been proven to help with alcoholics and drug addictions. The problem is that it’s hard. It’s hard for alcoholics and it’s hard for potheads and it’s hard for whiny young girls like me. When your parents are arguing and your father can be verbally abusive and your brother is annoying and loud and your sister could not care about you in the slightest and your mum would probably get mad at you if you killed yourself than actually care then it’s hard to actually want to feel happy, right? I’m not saying that’s MY current situation, but I’m saying such simple factors in life can make it difficult. And trust me, I know people have it worse. There are starving children in Africa and there are children in other countries caught up in other’s war and there are people with cancer and others who don’t have enough to eat everyday or don’t have a roof over their head. Yeah, I get it. They say that I shouldn’t be sad because others have it worse, but then you shouldn’t be happy because there are rich rich people and others with their dream job and others who are just simply having a really good day. Like wow, gee, I can’t be happy today because Beyonce just made more money in a day than I do in a year, whoops. But no, we allow each other to be happy and we even celebrate in it when others are, but it seems like no one wants to see other people depressed and suicidal.
And no one wants to see anyone depressed and suicidal because that’s ‘whoring for attention’ and ‘others have it worse’ and they really pick you apart and make you feel like garbage. One of the few things that’s stopping me from ending my life is that I’m afraid my mum would punish me going to her with my suicidal feelings or that she’d be so angry if I died. And my brother wouldn’t care because he never acknowledges me and my friends would be so upset because they honestly never thought it’d happen because no one cares about you unless you’re dead!! Unless you’re dead then no one really seems to care about you because they all like to believe that you’ll never actually kill yourself. One of my very dear friends (who probably doesn’t even consider me as a friend) told me he cares so much about me and wants to do everything to make sure I don’t end up killing myself. I totally understand that he has bigger problems but if I’m going to confide in you and you say that you care about me and trulu want to help then at least.. help me. He never checks in on me, nobody does. They don’t ask if I’m ok or if I want to talk which would be cool because I don’t ever want to go to them for help. I would only ever get anyone’s attention if I actually killed myself and that’s THE STUPID DAMN PART ABOUT LIVING AND PEOPLE. I don’t want to seem like an attention whore, I really don’t. I’d rather die than get the help I need because I don’t want people to look down on me. And that’s why I really wish someone would invest some interest in my wellbeing before I do it myself.
It’s also funny because suicide relieves all the pain I feel (though who knows where I’m going to end up?) and dumps it on the people who cared about me. People say that’s a valid reason to not kill oneself but if you really want to die who cares about anyone else? I’m not around to see how it affects people, though some days I really wish I was. I wish I could look up from the gates of hell and see my friends crying and my mum just paralyzed with guilt but some days I don’t even think that people would react that way. I was told to write a list of all the ways people would feel if I actually took my own life and I was scared to because I truly don’t think anyone would care.
And I think suicide is the best way to go. You choose when you die and you escape. You’re done with living and it’s going to be great, right??
And I don’t know what to do. Suicide seems lovely but there’s something inside me that tells me it gets better. I’m so young, this shouldn’t even be a problem for me but it is and that makes me feel so bad. What also is bad is that if I had a way out right this moment that was so quick, like if I had a gun or there was a train just roaring down the tracks just for me I would not hesitate to kill myself. And it’s scary because that could cause so much regret. I can’t think and the world is just too loud.