I overdosed about 3 months ago and was involuntarily baker-acted. That was when my family became aware of the magnitude of my bipolar type II disorder.
I have battled with mental illness most of my adult life. Things have gotten worse.
I am about to turn 50. I had a successful career where I made very good money. I worked in publishing, an industry that is all but dead. I had a nice house, a couple of cars, a boat. Things weren’t perfect, but they were OK. Then I left my job to work from home on my wife’s business, and take care of my newborn daughter. Long story short, business is slow now, and I am trying to find work. We lost our house, and I can’t even afford to repair my car.
There are no jobs in the field I am trained in, for. I have applied for numerous other jobs, and am getting little to no response. I guess they think I am too overqualified or old to work at Home Depot, but I would gladly take a position there.
Prior to my suicide attempt, my wife had been growing more distant from me. After the attempt, she wont touch me, Â and will barely even look at me. When she does look at me, it is with contempt. Because I cannot find work, she considers all the money from her business hers. I am flat broke, with no prospects for work. I am likely heading toward a divorce.
The other day I threw a garden hose into my truck, and with it a couple of towels so that I could create a tight seal and run the hose from my tailpipe into the cab of my truck. I drove around looking for a good place to do it, but eventually backed off. I still have keys to the house we lost. I was thinking about doing it in the garage.
My brother killed himself in 2007. My mother died in a car accident in 1988. My father disowned me when I was in my teens. I have an aunt and a sister left, but I can’t talk to them about what’s going on. All I’ll do is freak them out if I mention that I’m suicidal again.
I am about to turn 50. I am about to lose my wife. I have no job and very few prospects. I am broke. I just moved to a new town and I don’t know anyone – How did my life end up at this point?
2 comments
Your story is one that many people can relate to. The tribulations regarding the financial situation are hard, and no doubt you’re dealing with thoughts of despondency, even worthlessness because you can’t bounce back. It’s hard, I know. The suicide attempt isn’t making things any easier. Your circumstances deem you as a coward, or a failure. Your wife may see you as a hindrance, and that’s undoubtedly painful, however you mustn’t see yourself as one. From what I’ve read, you’re a smart, capable and courageous individual. The only thing that has happened is that you went through a disappointment, a dark hour; and in that hour you let the despondency momentarily consume you. Just ditching the plan a second time is a testament to your strength and will to live—a will to see yourself renewed. It’ll take time, and no doubt there are some tough days ahead. One thing you should dwell on is the reality that money, success or even possessions don’t necessarily dictate happiness. You cant put your wife’s contempt on your shoulders, as doing so will undoubtedly make things even harder. You can only control your own life.
In tough times, when the thoughts tell you, “You’ll never get well, your best days are behind you. You’ll never make anyone happy again; just learn to live in the shadows. Heartache and pain are in your future; nothing else,†respond back, “No. A good job is well on its way. There is victory and restoration coming right to my doorstep.†Now you may think, victory and restoration? I’m on the edge of the death; there’s nothing restoring about my life right now. No, the key is to get it ingrained in your everyday thinking. Who says you’re a failure? Who says you’ll never get a job at Home Depot, or anywhere else for that matter? Too often we dwell on the negative experiences and faults in our life and believe that the future is going to be just a re-run of them. Dare to believe. Tell your heart to beat again. Be the person you were while you were working. Take these small steps to change, and I’m certain that your wife will take notice. She’ll understand, and before long, she’ll be right there next to you; smiling, laughing, and proud that you’ve manage to come back from despondency. I believe in you. I know that restoration—your second wind is on its way.
Thanks. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.